If your kid texts you questions about the price of replacing any household item, you will be replacing said item.
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If I had to be a dominatrix (not appealing to me) I’d just be like, “Go stand in the corner. Do it!!” then play on my phone for the rest of the session.
Level of high: 7/10
Why yes, I do live under a rock. It’s called the moon.
If you don’t answer your kid’s tenth “MOM!”, I will…and what I say will keep them awake for 3 days. Better ask “what?”
do you know who else makes a Big Mac using all 54 ingredients so I don’t have to
me: *sleeping*
pimple: is it my night to emerge?
anxiety: I dunno, why don’t we both come out tonight?
Note to self: just because my phone has a camera, that does not make me a photographer or a porn star.
Her: What’s your type?
Me, flirting: I don’t really have a type.
Her: *checks notes* I see this is your first blood transfusion.
ME: I was having a juice cleanse between 6 & 8 p.m
COP: You don’t need an alibi, you’re not a suspect
ME: I know, I’m just telling everyone
I am not the kind of girl you can take home to your wife.
a guy told me his name was Drazen earlier and he did not appreciate me asking if that was short for dried raisin
I got 99 problems and they’re all friend requests from people I didn’t like in high school.
Well excuse me all to hell. I thought you’d be flattered with a mosaic of pictures of you at the gym. No, you don’t need to call the police.
[ad for florist]
Do you need to get a gift for your wife that requires no thought, but also dies in 4 days?
Most of my Biology exams were Bio D Gradeable.
I’ll let myself out.
I have three 11yr olds doing karaoke in my living room right now.
I don’t want to hear about your problems.
MOM: I don’t care how old you are, you’ll always be my baby
ME [being passed around by her friends to hold] ok but this is weird, I need to get to work
I have to eat my last meal of the day earlier and earlier as time goes by or I won’t be able to sleep at night
I had supper at 10:30 this morning today
Yoga Instructor: and finally we move into downward-facing dog.
Me: you forgot updog.
Yoga Instructor: what’s up-
Wife: -NOOOO!
I asked my niece if she had a newspaper.
She told me newspapers are old school.
She said everyone uses tablets nowadays and handed me her iPad.
That fly never stood a chance.
When you’re in the voting booth this fall, remember that Abe Lincoln didn’t slay all those vampires so that Trump could become President.
why are bouquets only for flowers? why not a bouquet of hot dogs. or a bouquet of hot dogs with ketchup. or a bouquet of hot dogs with musta
My hometown is so charming. Everyone’s got the spirit animal of gum stuck under the diner table
I saw a man running and started to panic that there was a fire or a bear and then I remembered that some people just do that.
Miss Piggy’s karate skills are my favorite pork chops.
me:*pulls chair out for date*
her: such a gentleman
my mom: *from back of restaurant* YOU’RE DOING GREAT HONEY! JUST LIKE WE PRACTICED!
Solving a traffic jam
Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread
Seal:
me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol
[later]
Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before
After 12 years of marriage we no longer spoon. We chopstick.
Earth is huge. There must be like 9 or 10 different countries on this thing.