“Jessica wasn’t usually dead. So when we found her dead we immediately knew something was wrong.”
-Investigation Discovery
You Might Also Like
pregnant wife: what should we call it if it’s a girl?
me: herbert
pregnant wife: but what if it’s a b-
me: himbert
Coworker: I didn’t know you dip.
Me: *Puting a pinch of shredded cheese in my lip like chewing tabacco* Ugh, no. What a disgusting habit.
[1st Day after wildebeests take over]
I’m safe in my house
[Day 7]
Thought I heard clattering
[Day 21]
THEY CAN OPEN DOORS WITH THEIR HOOVES
Just stopped myself from thinking about this group of crows I saw last night when I realized that I was contemplating a murder.
The problem with the Met Gala is you can’t stop picturing all the assistants having the worst month of their lives.
*walks up to girl working on her laptop in a cafe*
So you into computers?
Maybe the raccoons threw away something very important. Did you ever think about that you big jerk.
The best way to open a stubborn jar is to take a deep breath and recite an ancient Wiccan incantation.
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
You ever rub yourself with tuna and go to a cat shelter to seem like you’re a cat whisperer?
Doc: We’re gonna need a bigger straightjacket.
Just one more chapter! (via @someecards)
“Hello, Yes, This is Otter.”
uber drivers love asking where you’re from even though they just picked you up from there
STOP HITTING ON MY TWITTER CRUSH YOU… YOU… EQUALLY UNKNOWN INTERNET DUDE!
“I got kicked out of a golf tournament for heckling a player with a funny name.”
“Boo Weekley?”
“No. I yelled. Loudly.”
“If you get me to the next station I promise I’ll never let you fall below half a tank again” – A Memoir
Replaced my shoelaces with ear buds and now they tie themselves.
My dog is coming home from surgery today and I hope he did ok. He can’t afford another malpractice suit.
Pretty sure it’s easier to break a person out of a maximum security prison than break a Barbie doll out of its package.
Sometimes my laptop just stops responding and shuts down so at least we have that in common.
*licks ice cream cone
Cone: I have a boyfriend.
Me: I wish my life was like a Disney movie
Genie: *snaps fingers*
Me: …what changed?
Genie: your mom was shot in the woods
sounds kinky. i’m in.
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
Imagine being a Cicada you been waiting 17 years for your one chance to have sex then some weirdo freakazoid fries you in butter and serves you with a side of ranch.
If you encounter a bear DON’T RUN. Maintain eye contact. Keep maintaining it. Fall in love. Marry the bear. Tell story to your grandbearbies
Random dm guy: What are you wearing?
Me: A scathing look of disdain
imagine going to a job interview then they pull out a hotdog, dip it in ketchup, and begin taking notes
Welcome to anxiety club, I really hope more people show up. Maybe there was a terrible accident and everyone that was coming is now dead
One night stand because my bedroom is narrow.