Every day, I hope I don’t get bitten by a spider. I’m not afraid of spiders, I just don’t want the responsibility of being a superhero.
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*brings coconut cake to a knife fight
My daughter and niece have a new game where they pretend to be grannies and the game is just them loudly complaining about things in old lady voices. Anyway I’m waiting for my turn to play
You think your day was bad? I just had a 15 minute long argument with a couch cushion.
Me in my 20s: wakes up in the morning and hops out of bed
Me in my 40s: wakes up and sits on the edge of the bed for 43 minutes preparing my body to walk again.
16 yo daughter: I feel like nobody spends time with me
*returns to bedroom where she has had herself locked in for the last 742 days*
My toxic trait is putting my black phone down on a black surface for “just a second”
*sees cute bald guy in sunglasses
*spends 10 minutes flirting from across the bar
*realizes sunglasses are on the back of his head
Brenda was so embarrassed. She thought the invitation was for a panic in the park. She will be apologizing for the potato salad incident for a long time.
She kept yelling “Choke!, Choke!” to me during sex.
So rude. Why would she want me to have a bad performance?
boss: what are u doing
me: *pretends to read email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read email”
I love eating Swiss pancakes. They’re like regular pancakes but neutral, so I can eat as many as I want.
Surprise your boyfriend with new boyfriend this valentine
Stop bragging about your workout pics. Do you see me post every box of donuts I eat.
COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM
*raises the last donut to the sky like Simba*
[family get together]
mom: has anyone seen grandmas dentures?
me with 64 teeth: ramma losht hur wat now?
If our bodies are the result of “intelligent design,” explain sneezes.
I’ll wait.
5:00 pm: birds are amazing, I wish I had more time to enjoy nature
5:00 am: I want to murder every living bird
When the horse rides back into camp without the rider, it’s never good news, but no one ever suspects the horse.
“No. Delete it.” -Mona Lisa
I started my diet 2 hours ago, I’m glad that’s over.
I WISH I WERE PAC-MAN SO WHEN I GOT UPSET I COULD EAT SOME CHERRIES & EVERYONE AROUND ME WOULD TURN INTO GHOSTS
Plot twist, I pay you to see my premium creative content?
Me: I’ve finally finished that jigsaw puzzle!
Her: YOU DRUNK! It took you 6 months!
Me: On the box it said 2 to 4 years!
My grandma used to say: “Never stand behind a cow when it’s windy or your face will be covered with freckles”.😂
ME: I have an announcement… I’M GOING TO BE A FATHER!
FRIEND: Congratulations! When is the due date?
ME: In a few years, as soon as I graduate from priest school.
Kissed a receipt to lighten my lipstick but I need it to return something & now some cashier is gonna think I’m flirting.
Give a man a fish & he’ll be all “WTF are you giving me a fish for? That’s weird” Teach a man to fish & he’ll be all “Again with the fish?”
Left work, txted wife “Coming homo.” Then I txted her “Haha whoops, I meant BEcoming homo.”
“Ruh roh” says Scooby as the cops pull the van over. Shaggy looks at the kilos of heroin in the back, sighs, and pulls out a machine gun.