I cough whenever I answer the phone so people know not to invite me to anything.
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If your bar serves those giant beers in a cowboy boot, I’m leaving. I hate gimmicks. I mean, I’ll drink the beer first, but then I’m out. Damn hipsters.
Wow. I got my first #ChatGPT-written paper for an undergrad assignment on positionality. This line was the tell: “I do not have a personal history, identity, or culture in the traditional sense because I am an artificial intelligence language model.” Ooof!
Me: More fur & these cute little whisk-
Police Sketch artist: you’re describing a cat
Me: please his birthday is today & he loves portraits
Sorry I threw sliced bread at you when you were taking a duck face selfie
Every single headline could read: “Idiots Continue To Do Stuff”
[inventing the boomerang]
OH SHIT, IT’S BACK
my neighbor’s freakishly loud emu kept peeking in my window while i was trying to order an 8 ft, 132 lb chocolate sack ($500)
I’ve been dating a girl online who I think might be a Catfish. Every time I try to meet, her excuse is that she “can’t survive on dry land.”
“Hold on lemme just hotbox these bugs so I can steal and eat their goo.” -beekeepers everywhere
got kicked out of the louvre for checking to see if the Mona Lisa was a scratch and sniff
{playing Hide & Go Seek}
Me:*hides in pantry
Kids: ready or not here we come!
Me: *quietly opens bag of Cheetos
Kids: He’s eating again!
[phone sex]
GF: Tell me you want me
ME: I want you badly
GF: How badly?
ME: I want you [checking thesaurus in a panic] haphazardly
Grandma: what’s oversharing?
Me: It’s when you talk about your hemorrhoid surgery on FaceBook.
Basically, my plan is to have a gender reveal party and shoot someone in the face with a potato cannon. No, I’m not pregnant.
The liquor store has hours of operation but I call them visiting hours.
ME: you told me to put my hands where you can see them
COP: yes but please don’t cup my face
Added some new forms of payment to this store…
everyone wants a sensitive girl until she cries because that cloud is beautiful
Me: Enough about me, what are some of your interests?
Dinner Date: I love Youtube.
Me: Don’t call me a tube [looks around] you soup face.
wife: hey…HEY
me: *takes out earbuds*
wife: would you like to see your newborn son for the first time?
me: *puts earbuds back in*
My daughter just informed me that 75% of you follow me because of how I look.
I’m not sure if I’m flattered or insulted.
I would like even faster food.
*Japanese Zen garden tour*
Guide: It’s important to be quiet & not disturb the-
*Me from back eating huge bag of chips*: DUDE WE CANT HEAR U
shaking hands is weird, it’s like “hey, i don’t know you. let’s touch each other”
If she’s “one-in-million” there’s 1,344 of her in China.
Cat owner : wow my pet cat really likes you
Me: yeah well that’s just because I have at least 2 sardines in my left pocket at any given time
Walk of shame
Except it’s me leaving the work bathroom just as the cleaners show up
It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a castle surrounded by a mote filled with 7-11 nacho cheese
Me: *throwing popcorn to our toddler like a pigeon*
Wife: Stop that! Do you want more to show up?!
How can you have beef with Keanu…it’s like hating a rainbow