Saw a kid in a stroller with an iced coffee. I gave him my resume.
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still processing the fact the US government was like yeah, aliens are real and coming more and more often, and we were all like listen it’s been a hard year lol and then we just didn’t talk about it again
There is so much beef on Twitter it’s impossible to stay vegan
Totally stoked to find some chicken in my chicken noodle soup
If there is no shredded cheese in my bra right now, I have failed
Always leave the shower curtains open.
*things I learned from horrors
Sorry man, I wasn’t trying to kiss you. You just had melted cheese stuck in your beard and I couldn’t help myself
In my dreams last night, I met God. He gave me the manuscript for His novel to read, but I never read it, & I had to avoid Him in the town.
wife: didn’t i tell you?
me: yes, you did
wife: you didn’t listen
me: no, I did not
wife: what did i say?
me: you heard turtles in the walls
wife: what did you say?
me: i said you were crazy
wife: what will you do now?
me: i’ll call the turtle guy
wife: you’ll call the turtle guy
WIFE: We really need to think about sticking to our monthly budget
ME: *feeding my pet octopus a bag of emeralds* I agree
consequences, the bane of my existence
Dr: How are your new pills working?
Me: I cry, eat & want to sleep a lot
Dr: Those are common side effects
Me: Oh. They’re working fine then
Cats do not subscribe to the laws of physics.
My kid found a Disney movie marathon on tv and I found Captain Morgan in the freezer. Life is about balance.
Dear bill collectors, if you want me to answer the phone, instead of “no caller ID” try something like “free shoes”
public defender: if we get the wooden hammer away from the judge we win
This whole time I thought Ariana Grande was a font
a toddler pointed at me earlier and said “baby” and i nodded. it’s true. i am also a baby. real recognise real
I seem pretty put together for a grown woman who imagines she’s traveling through a wormhole each time she pulls a turtleneck over her head.
Recent evidence indicates that Earth is indeed bi-polar, as we’ve always suspected.
ME: Very funny.
GENIE: It’s what you asked for.
ME: You’re such an asshole.
GENIE: You said you wanted a-
ME: 27 foot yacht. Yeah, I get it.
oh good, now I can stop drinking
Nothing quite as humiliating as somebody slow-rolling past your garage sale and not stopping, like “I’m not above buying another person’s junk but just not yours.”
Every Scooby Doo episode would literally be 2 minutes long if the gang went to the mask store 1st & asked a few questions.
The news is so predictable nowadays
therapist:
Ever considered using something other than comedy as a defense mechanism?me:
Like judgmental stares and mumbling?therapist:
No.me:
….Knives?therapist:
Forget I asked.
I caught a cute guy salivating and giving me sexy eyes at the restaurant today and I was growling and giving him kissy faces but it turns out he was eyeing the waitress behind me who was bringing out his food and so to save face I dropped to the floor and faked a seizure.
If you mean sleeping, then yes, I’m pretty freakin’ amazing in bed.
[grabs mic at wedding]
yooo I got u guys a kitchenaid mixer and u will never use it
Me: I signed my son up for an appointment with a child psyhcologist
Doctor: That’s me
Me: but you’re an adult
Doctor: and a child psychologist
Me: how
ACCEPTABLE RISK
Age 12: My parents could find out!
Age 21: This’ll either get me high or kill me!
Age 45: That might get stuck in my teeth.