I’m no blood spatter expert, but by the look of this bathroom floor, you’re pulling your tampons out way too fast.
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Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I didn’t notice a new piece of furniture for two months.
my husband said we need to start exercising and get into shape so I’m going to wake up early tomorrow and start looking for a new husband
The loudest noise a child can make from another room is silence
If you love something, set it free.
(Does not apply to ferrets.)*
*I am no longer allowed on the subway.
I drive with my hands at ten and two, but they’re crossed.
Good luck listening to 80’s music without imagining my silhouette doing karate poses.
To the lady who flipped me off when I honked at you, your phone probably isn’t on top of your car anymore!
I heard fish is good for your brain but now I can’t get the smell out of my hair
Being held for questioning sounds more romantic than it is
ME: isn’t it weird how you get corn in your poop?
DOCTOR: yes but I’ve never seen an entire cob before
If the police ask, I was in my house from 2009 to 2013.
They say genius skips a generation.In our case it fell off our family tree and died.
I’m an Obama supporter but there’s no escaping the harsh truth that Batman v Superman happened on his watch.
(Halloween Costume Shop)
ME: *leaving after not finding anything*
CASHIER: *pointing to my face* Those masks aren’t free, buddy.
I love people who order coffee like they’re giving the pass code to a missile defense system.
Wife: “You talk like some poorly written science fiction novel. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “I swear by the 12 moons of Bumtar I can change!”
coworker: how was your weekend?
me: sucked, I had to move
coworker: you sold your house?
me: no, my wife made me get off the couch
Tip for twitter newbies:
Before you start using twitter, please make sure this is really what you want to do with the rest of your life.
Does anybody know what date Easter is this year? And if so, what are you, obsessed with Easter
I ran into the guy who delivered my pizzas a couple nights ago at a concert and he didn’t even remember who I was. Never meet your heroes.
Reports are indicating that Ivanka Trump may take on some roles of the First Lady. Still no word on who will handle the duties of President.
if food packaging listed side effects like drug labels do:
ice cream: intense pleasure followed by self loathing
kale: smug sense of superiority
bacon: bacon
Husband: “They say humans are not meant to multitask.”
Me: *cooking dinner while holding toddler while signing permission slip with foot while shooting lasers from eyes at him* “You don’t say.”
Bicyclists, it’s one thing to hog the road, but it’s quite another to expect us to know your fancy hand signals. Also, I can see your balls.
Weird…my son has been having nightmares about a clown hiding in his closet ever since I dressed like a clown and hid in his closet.
Even with an open schedule and no events, I still don’t “have enough time” to stay hydrated, apparently.
I’m starting to suspect that maybe 2020 was not the reason for my problems.
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.