Probably should schedule my next dentist appt for this week since I ate some street corn last night and this may be the only time I floss this year.
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Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
In high school we had a thing called Ethics Day put on by Chick-Fil-A where they would give out coupons for free chicken sandwiches. My friends and I found the book of all the coupons and stole it. The devils of Ethics Day.
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife and I have sex. We hide the videotapes, but he always finds them.
Fears: dying alone, getting horribly maimed or disfigured, people who stick their tongue out in photos
Autocorrect changed fairly big meeting to fairy bug meeting so now everyone in the office is stripping and running away to the forest.
Sweetie if I was fake, I would pretend to be someone awesome and not a lonely weirdo.
You can’t scare me, I grew up on ‘80s horror movies and still took a job as a camp counselor on a lake.
It might be time to diet when you ask Siri to call your ” boyfriend” and she dial’s up Domino’s pizza
*Job Interview
Me: “Thanks for meeting with me”
IKEA Manager: “My pleasure. Have a seat”(Sees nothing but a pile of finished wood, quarter inch screws, and an allen wrench)
Me: “What…”
Manager *starts timer*
therapist: if you wanna be sad, be sad
me: I cannot stress how far ahead of you I am on this one
Dumped girl on The Bachelor: “What’s wrong with me?”
Well, Lindsay, you’re on a TV show to find a husband. What ISN’T wrong with you?
Well, maybe they shouldn’t have asked me to play lawn darts while my ex was standing there like some sort of human target.
GF taking me on a surprise V-Day getaway. At least I think. Not sure what the lime and shovel in the trunk with me are for though.
“Today’s special is a grilled Chilean sea bass with white wine reduction. We recommend Instagramming it with the 1977 or Apollo filters…”
Hey kids, please don’t wash the 13 glasses you’ve already left in the sink. Just grab a clean one next time you’re thirsty.
do british flat earthers say the world is apartment?
fiancée: I’ve chosen a date for the wedding
me: WHO IS HE
not me looking down to google “why is my dog staring at me” only to look back up and see my dog barfing on the carpet 😑😑😑😑😑
Wife: “Notice anything?”
Me: “Is it your hair, shoes, dress, eyelashes, mascara, lipstick, or nails?”
Wife: “You forgot to wear pants.”
Mitt accuses Obama of being detached and out of touch. Then flies to the Caymans for a quick cuddle with his money
Me: *putting on docuseries about the “Yorkshire Ripper”*
Husband: isn’t that the guy who made weird pudding out of people?
Treadmill salesman: This one has 12 incline levels and can maintain speeds of up to 15 miles per hour.
Me: (dumps two loads of laundry on top) I’ll take it.
Farts are like children. The only ones that I like are my own.
*At animal group therapy*
Moderator: introduce yourselves please
Fruit bat: I’m a bat that eats fruit …
Honey bear: I’m a bear that eats honey…
Sperm whale: do we have to do this?
If a demon ever tried to possess me my first thought would be: enjoy that debilitating anxiety my dude.
“Not all guys wearing Flannel shirts are Lumberjacks.” *hits tree with axe* ” Take me for example. I just hate trees.”
kid: dad how do you make a bubble?
me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-
kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*
RT if you could go either way.