Judge: I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation
Me: *floating*
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Me, seeing five little monkeys jumping on the bed: *closes door*
INTERVIEWER: According to your resume, you like to “move it move it.”
ME: That’s correct.
I: It goes on like for… 30 pages.
M: And?
God: go forth and multiply
Me: I was told there would be no math.
I’m getting old. I wake up now and my body is like…
Bladder: better hurry up!
Back: woah, no sudden movements!
Foot: CRAMP!
Head: ouch, did we drink last night?
Neck: CRAMP!
Back: WHAT DID I SAY ABOUT SUDDEN MOVEMENTS!
Bladder: um, so I’ve got some news…
nobody: …
my dog: yay !! look dad, I’ve found the dried chicken foot I hid in the bedroom.
Person: Aw! How old is your dog?
Me: (whispering) I don’t know. (Covers dog’s ears) She’s adopted.
Him: What’s your cup size?
Me: Venti
waiter : here’s your bread for the table
table : nom nom nom delicious
Our public library is holding a “Read with a Firefighter” event. I tried to sign up, but it’s only for ages 6 – 9.
My friend’s band is called Duvet.
It’s a cover band.
What knobhead puts a shower opposite a mirror?
Totally unrelated, I’m starting a diet tomorrow.
I have standards. They might be low, but still…..
14 takes out the trash and recycling without being asked
Me:
i just want a guy i can call papi (not in the grandpa way)
and to my great grandchildren i leave 42,567 screenshots
me: if i had a time machine i’d eat dinner again
friend: so go back for seconds?
me: no probably longer than that
Cleaning out my handbag. Wondering if nine pens are enough.
It’s been a weird day so I’m shaving my eyebrows off.
Tip of the day: Don’t try to scratch an itchy ankle while on a treadmill.
*lays down on memory foam mattress*
mattress: remember that time you pooped your pants in 3rd grade?
me: I regret buying you
Youth may have many decadent pleasures. But at my age, based on the sounds I make, relieving my bladder is pure euphoria.
you’ve heard of fomo now get ready for fobi (fear of being included)
Highway to Hell is my favorite wedding song.
Saying “sounds good” is probably the nicest way to abruptly end a conversation.
As soon as the tide comes in it’s over for you beaches.
Me: hahahahahaahaahahaha
Personal trainer: what’s so funny?
Me: oh man I thought you were joking about running
A walk of shame is always sad. Don’t make it worse by adding the sound of Flip flops to it.
Me: Have you had a shower, and brushed your teeth?
Son: Yes of course
Me: It doesn’t look like it
Son: oh you mean this week?
My girlfriend and I are sharing an #Amazon account.
We’re prime-mates.