The Secret Service are so bad at their jobs. Everyone’s heard of them.
You Might Also Like
[Jesus opens his fortune cookie]
SOMEONE WILL BETRAY YOU
“Uh oh”
YOUR LUCKY NUMBERS ARE 4 2 0 6 9
“Haha nice!”
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along; my mother was a can of diet Fresca.
AIR STEWARDESS [looks at ticket] just down that way
ME: You mean down the long thin tube with one walkway
A.S: Yes
ME: I’d be lost without u
[airport check-in]
Me: I’d like to check this in
Clerk: you’ll have to take that on with u
Me [sighing & picking baby up off counter]: fine
She can’t leave if you’re wearing all of her clothes.
All that money and sleep was super annoying anyway.
-lies parents tell themselves
Me: 5, 4, 3..
Friend who has only 1 kid: “Why are you counting down?? They’re all playing nice.”
Me: 2, 1, 0
Kid 1 {Scream crying}
Kids 2 and 3: “I DIDN’T DO IT!”
Friend: “Oh.”
My name in Grease would be ChoRizzo.
I wanna look like a snack this summer but I keep eating them
Spend a few hours without your phone and you’ll realise what the important thing in your life is.
It’s your phone.
CUSTOMER: What’s it run on?
YODA: [first day as an electric car salesman] Watts, it run on.
CUSTOMER: Ok I need to speak to your manager, you baldy parrot.
I like my men, like I like my coffee.
So hot, that I have to keep blowing.
My stupid belt shrunk again today.
[Police sketch artist job interview]
“How am I not qualified?”
Your resume is a stick figure and a poorly drawn igloo
“It’s a cat actually”
“Why don’t you want to have kids?”
*motions hysterically in every direction*
He’s a one eyed optometrist with a cauliflower addiction. She hunts babies for sport. But could a chance Christmas encounter mean a forever love blossoms. Find out this Saturday on The Hallmark Channel.
mom gave me mine for free
I shot a man in Reno,
Just to watch him cry.It was just a Nerf gun you big baby!
UK English: colour, realise, marvellous
US English: color, realize, marvelous
Canadian English: All of the above are correct. We will use both in the same article and its useless to try and stop us, spellcheck softwares.
[Dracula before he got braces]
:F
Wife: who are all these children?
Me: *shrugs* you said pick up the kids
Wife: I meant our kids
Me: yeah, that makes more sense
I thought this waitress was in love with me but then right in front of my eyes she started to bring other people food.
What’s it called when you plant a ghost pepper plant and when it starts making peppers you don’t eat them because you’re afraid they’ll be too hot?
I’m that
It’s National Compliment Day.
So here goes.*clears throat
Some of you are not so bad.
Wanted: Human left leg, to finish the monster I’m making in my basement. Will pay handsomely. No weirdo’s.
I went to the bathroom at IKEA and needed an Allen wrench to flush the toilet.
Was shocked last week when my son said he’s getting married to a girl in his class.
Yesterday he won a running race agaisnt her and the wedding is probably off now
Being 6 is rough man!
wow, another wooden ball. would it kill avocado makers to put a different toy in there.
Stop saying “you can’t make this stuff up“. You can make anything up. Watch this: a breakdancing beaver wearing a top hat. A peanut butter and thumbtack sandwich. A baby doing calculus. It’s easy.
When I’m in a bathroom stall, please don’t yell “Oh my God oh my God there’s a guy in here!” Respect my privacy.