The rebound person you start flirting with post breakup really gets annoying real fast and that’s unfortunate for them
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Looks at today’s news…. hears Benny Hill theme.
Avenge me but only if it’s convenient.
A couple of weeks ago we had an icebreaker during my graduate seminar and the question was “What is your irrational fear?” My answer was “hammerhead sharks”. And today in class I walked in and saw this:
Did you hear about how people in Athens don’t even wake up until noon?
They say dawn is pretty tough on Greece.
All archaeology proves is that our ancestors were skeletons and they lived underground.
I don’t watch wedding shows and get excited about getting married but I do watch Dateline and get excited about being murdered.
The longer this goes on, the harder it’s going to be to return to a society where pants are required.
I feel most productive at work when I repeatedly click back and forth on the 18 tabs I have open and just know that the work is still there
My kids: I love this song! Turn it up!!
Also my kids: immediately start telling me a 17-minute story.
Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I’m halfway through my fish burger & I realize, Oh my God…I could be eating a slow learner.
*reading a book to kindergarteners*
jack & jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water…{i look up, shaking my head}…because of course we all know that water is frequently found at the highest point in the village
Meat Cute
My wife agreed to a water birth, so I’m setting up a slip’n slide in the front yard right now. I’m gonna wait at the end & catch him.
Never throw sunglasses in an argument. If they land perfectly on your opponent’s face there is no known comeback.
And on the eighth day, God let the dogs out. And there was much confusion among the Baha Men.
What do you call the sexual orientation where you’re attracted to both and men and women but they’re not attracted to you?
Bi-yourself.
I throw naked mini-wheats back in the box like I’m not the one who’s gonna get stuck with the bowl of naked mini-wheats in the end
[at my dad’s funeral after he drowns]
ME: *places a wreath made of a life preserver on the coffin* It’s what he would have wanted…
They say you should do something every day that scares you so I napped without the little pillow between my knees and now my lower back is terrified.
What’s the biggest problem you have with your name?
My biggest problem?
Me: “Hi, I’m Marcus. Nice to meet you.”
Business people: “Hi, Marcus. Do you go by Mark?”
Me: “No. If I did then don’t you think I’d introduce myself as that?”
[Antiques Roadshow]
When this was first painted, the wolves were much further in the background. I would sell it before they reach the frame
What idiot named them Minions and not Gru-pies
Current fitness level: arm is tired from brushing teeth.
Just farted loudly outside my office before checking to see if anyone was nearby. Nobody was. It’s called the #edge, & I am #livin on it
My 19 year old just asked me if she could have a beer and for support she said, “Does it really matter at this point? My college semester is over. You turned my room into a closet. You won’t let me leave the house. My life sucks. For the love of God let me have a drink woman.”
“That looks interesting. I think I’ll eat it.” – Sharks and Toddlers
Baby rabbits🐰 look like wise old Kung Fu masters.
*points at houseplant*
no, YOU have a drinking problem!!