Look sad dragging a kite on the ground at the park and sometimes people will let you join their picnic.
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The date was going great until she spooked me and then I squirted her with ink and quickly swam away
Think my wife is a little OCD since whenever I go out with the kids I need to come home with the exact same amount.
Wife: how’d you get that burn on your arm??
Me (looking fabulous): not from your curling iron
“Fed-Ex is coming to kill us all!” ~my dog
A lizard fell on my hand as I opening the window… now I have to explain why there was a young lady screaming in my room 👀
You’re born, you grow up, have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive, you die, your kids have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive……
My kid at 8am: Mommy!
Me: Yes, my love?My kid at 8pm: Mommy!
Me: WHAAATTTTTTTTTTTTTT NOWWWWW?!
If you’re having second thoughts, you’re 2 ahead of most people.
Text to Hubs:
If it’s not too much trouble can you get me a bottle of wine and a fuzzy blanket?Hubs:
You’re literally sitting next to me.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if the object it moved around was the vacuum.
[talking to daughter’s art major boyfriend]
“You know who else had a pointy beard? Satan.”
Me: You just sat on my glasses.
Husband: *Stands up* What?
Me: While you’re up, can you grab some popcorn?
Falls for it every time.
Before we announce the winner of the Best Bomb Defuser award let’s pause for a moment to remember the runner-ups
Friend: How’d you lose your voice?
Me: By failing at gentle parenting.
i texted random strangers trying to trick them into finishing my owl joke
What kind of shit holiday encourages kids to ring my doorbell AND ask for free food?
4-year-old: Why do robbers steal money?
Me: So they can buy stuff.
4: Why don’t they just steal the stuff?
She’s a criminal mastermind.
Either my cat is speaking English or that was not a vitamin I took….
just opened threads. it’s basically a fake app from a tv show that a teenage girl uses right before being murdered by cyberbullies. not doing that again
I don’t really argue with people. They just all end up washing ashore miles away under mysterious circumstances.
I went in to a pet shop. I said, “I would like to buy a goldfish?” The guy said, “Do you want an aquarium?”
I said, “I don’t care what astrological sign it is.”
I’m going to open a food truck that sells chicken sandwiches. Park it next to Chick-fil-A and open it only on Sundays
It will be called Side Chick.
Billion dollar technology idea:
A printer that works
My doctor wasn’t amused when he asked how much I weighed and I said
One hundred and fat
I don’t know who needs to hear this but by September you should already have your letter to Santa drafted.
Virgo: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
Got fired from my job as a museum guide for telling everyone the statues are all Medusa’s ex-boyfriends.
My husband says I never do anything, so I just cleaned out our bank account.
I asked my 5-year-old what she was on because she was having such a good time wiggling and being weird. She looked at me like she finally met the dumbest person in the world, “the couch.”
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship No, I don’t think we are on the same page.