I suspect in a previous life I was either Napoleon or maybe some socks.
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Change is always hard….
Especially when a jar of it falls on your head.
I’m getting my eyebrows waxed into “permanently surprised” position so it looks like I’m paying attention.
I washed my sports bra with the Fitbit still attached and won first place in all my challenges.
I don’t know who needs to see this but don’t ever answer your phone on your way home from work. They want you to stop at the store.
It hurts? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.
It doesn’t hurt? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.
– Doctors
The Spy Who Loved Me But Wasn’t, Like, IN Love With Me #RejectedBondTitles
Sorry Im late, I saw that Spongebob episode where he’s a lifeguard but cant swim, even though they live underwater & now my brain is leaking
My gf and I broke up and are moving into a 2 bedroom so that we can have our own separate spaces but still continue a domestic partnership which I thought was incredibly progressive but is actually exactly what my catholic aunt and uncle who refuse to get divorced are doing.
“Hola! I’m Señor Coconut, children”
[cracks head on the pavement. Children scream]
“Drink me. Drink me. I’m full of vitamins and minerals”
I took my hair out of the messy bun and made it a less messy bun and my husband asked if I was going somewhere.
My son said his friend’s parents took him to Disney World for getting good grades and suddenly I’m not angry about his C- in math anymore.
Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
I am bringing 21 tamales to Thanksgiving because it’s the year 2021 and also because I ate three of them already.
Me: Sometimes I cannot think of anything to say.
She: And yet you don’t shut up.
[staff meeting]
Boss: Does anyone have any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Boss: Candy
Me: Does anyone care if I take the last blueberry muffin?
EXECUTIVE: this ones not about murder is it
STEPHEN KING: its about children
E: ok
SK: in corn
E: thats nice
SK:who murder
E: dammit Stephen
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
How inappropriate is it to ask a stranger to scratch your back? Need to know ten minutes ago.
*kneels to pray*
“Hello, God?”
“YOU’VE REACHED CUSTOMER SUPPORT.”
“Who is this?”
“MY NAME IS BRAD.”
“Are you in Heaven, Brad?”
“NO, INDIA.”
Based on 2020 thus far, I’m expecting the flying monkeys of Oz to show up any time now.
Once upon a time (today) I had to help with pre school homework
Me: -holds up yellow
Me: What color is this?
4: McDonalds
The end
1968: One day, computers will improve every area of our lives.
2018: Watching a rapper take a bath with a hairless cat.
Me: hey did you buy ‘100 Count Tennis Balls’ from Amazon?
Wife: no
Dog: *pretending to read newspaper*
What’s the opposite of mentos?
Lady fingers.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
This wine tastes like everyone can go make their own dinner.
It’s the 13th anniversary of “Umbrella”. What a good excuse for…
911?
~He’s eating Top Ramen!
911: Keep calm! Did he drain the water
~NO! He’s eating it like soup!
911: That’s fucked up
~I KNOW RIGHT
Me: the heart wants what the heart wants
My heart: please stop killing me with corn syrup and pork products
Me: shut up
Big deal, snakes that can unhinge their jaw, I can unhinge my whole self.
*puts leash around pet lobster*
I think there will be games and lots of friends to play with Pinchy
*walks into Lobsterfest*
COVER YOUR EYES