“My homework ate my dog” -student in python breeding class
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I’m so hungover. My sweat is pure tequila. A mosquito landed on me and now I think it’s drunk. It’s texting its ex.
Me: *10 minutes into a workday after a long weekend*
My smartwatch: I’ve called all the ambulances
I just got arrested for felonious mopery
Government Shutdown: Day Three
Jellystone Park still closed.
Still no pic-a-nic baskets.
Yogi stares at Boo-Boo…
Boo-Boo looks tasty.
Cop leans over body:
Looks like *removes shades* cement poisoning
Or a case *removes mustache* of gravity
Or *removes teeth* aaah gaah bwaa
People who say the Napster guy invented music piracy forget the time I stole my sister’s Violent Femmes CD when I was 13.
4-year-old: Are goats real?
Me: Of course they are. I can show you some if you want.
4: *runs away*
Apparently she was saying “ghosts.”
you accidentally send 2 people to hell, and all of a sudden nobody wants to play with you anymore
A great summer prank is to park your car just outside the mall with a fully cooked ham in baby clothes strapped into a child seat.
The Olympic trampolining is too easy. The event should start with the contestant dragging the trampoline out of the garage while drinking and being nagged by their kids at a barbecue.
Me having sex is like bungee jumping.
It’s either amazing, or someone gets seriously injured.
There is no in between.
Me: Do you like my jeans?
Her: They’d look better on my floor 😉
Me: *laying down on the floor fully dressed* OK…so now?
Her: ….
Why can’t Stephen Hawking dance? Because he’s white.
*works out for six weeks
*loses 2 lbs
*eats a carrot
*gains it back
I’ve touched enough cacti to know they are sharp but also not enough to stop touching cacti.
I try to live my life everyday as if it were my last. And who wants to do laundry on their last day? Not me…
Memories are a bit fuzzy — but regrets? They’re in 8K and Dolby Vision.
This salad I’m having for lunch tastes a lot like I’m having a greasy burger and onion rings for dinner.
[asking a girl out on a date]
her: ok but only if you stop crying
Too many Christmas rom-coms, not nearly enough Halloween rom-coms
Wife: Will he still able to play the accordion?
Doc: Ma’am, your husband has no brain function whatsoever
Wife: So yes then
They say genius skips a generation.In our case it fell off our family tree and died.
“I’ll help you clean.” my toddler threatened
97% of scientists believe climate change is man-made and causes rising sea levels of oceans. The other 3% believe Frank Ocean is an ocean.
Police Officer: ”Have you been drinking?”
Me: ”Yes!”
Police Officer: ”Step out of the car!”
Me: ”Why? You don’t believe me?”
me
I hate when a bag of potatoes goes bad because not only are the potatoes wasted but so are all the coins I have to put over their eyes.
Me: I need a simple, easy hobby to relax and clear my mind
Also me: I will teach myself metalworking techniques from the Middle Ages
I’ve been walking around with a fish-eating grin ever since I got an emotional support piranha.
Delilah: Hey
Jude: Hey there