Pray Elon Musk doesn’t have a scandal.
Elongate would drag on forever.
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I don’t make the rules sorry
My Onlyfans is just me drawing venn diagrams and giggling
I was holding the door for an Asian guy and he said “sank you.” So I punched him. Cant believe that he brought up Pearl Harbor lke that
(uses phone to push more food onto my fork)
[last meal on death row]
“Pepper?”
*nods*
“Say when”
*winks to camera*
“Plagiarism Squad reporting for duty.” / “Copy that.”
“Thanks for coming. We’ll let you know.”
*stands up, trips, headbutts interviewer*
Ed [laughing]: what do you call a fish with no eye?
Stede, without looking up: Myxine Circifrons
Ed:
Ed: fsh
When I say things are going swimmingly, it’s important to note that I can’t swim.
[Car at red lights]
ME *starts fiddling with the radio*HOT WOMAN: *pulls up alongside me*
ME: *slowly lowers the fiddle*
due to personal reasons i have decided to make even less sense to people who will never get me
[Throwing change in a well]
Me: I wish you well.
Well: I already am a well.
Away on business, sitting at the hotel bar a hot lady walks over and whispers in my ear, it’s 500 for the night.
*Whispering back. How much for the whole chess set?
Welcome to middle age. No one tells you that rigor mortis starts while you’re still alive.
Green tea reduces weight*
*Only if you go and pick the leaves from the mountains yourself.
Instead of ghosting someone, tell them why & what they did wrong. We need less idiots out there
best thing about tennis is the way the lifeguard shouts the score
Rather than waste money on charity for the homeless, let’s invest in splicing their genes with snails so they always have their own shelter.
You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?
A Library is a good place to get in a fight with ur girlfriend cuz its the only place u can get away with saying “Shhh” w/out being murdered
[Diner]
Waitress: Cops, and kids 5 and under eat for free
*me, discreetly nudging my 6 year-old*
my 6 year-old: im a police
the other one is “smunchy” which is we stopped making the smooth peanut butter early. i’m close to becoming a smooth peanut butter guy just so i can eat a finished product
Girl are you a prescription from my doctor ’cause you might be good for me but I can’t read you at all.
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
According to my fitness app, I ate a 6 mile fruit roll-up.
Looks like the mayor is getting serious.
it’s a beautiful day. I step into the sunlight, warm on my skin. wow it’s actually really hot. questioning my choice to wear a black shirt. damn it’s sweltering and humid too. I’m pouring sweat. all I’ve had is black coffee. oh my god this shirt is 87% polyester call an ambulance
God: take the worst of his personality.
Angel: okay.
God: then take the worst of her personality.
Angel: got it.
God: now mix them all together.
Angel: what do you want to call this mess?
God: call it a kid.
me: any historical figure?
wizard: that’s right[later at dinner]
Beethoven: you seem disappointed
me: *hiding dog treats* it’s fine
There aren’t as many hot pies cooling on the windowsills as the cartoons had me believe as a kid.