CNN: Trump removes screaming baby from rally
Fox News: Trump rally interrupted by another unruly, entitled protestor who still lives at home
You Might Also Like
For only £3 a month you can adopt an economy passenger. Help us stop the brutal and inhumane way we treat them by donating today. You’ll receive a framed picture of your very own economy passenger and regular updates as to where their luggage might be. Thank you
me, age 21: *pulls an all nighter* yay!
me, age 37: *sleeps the whole night* yay!
They should have to tell you that there will be a 20-parent group text when you’re signing your kids up for little league.
Before you get involved with another person, ask yourself: Is this someone I can see myself cropping out of pictures later?
Wanna come over? I have pizza and toilet paper
Me: what should I do?
Dentist: stop eating sugar, drinking coffee and wine, cut back on stress..
Me: right but like realistically
Call me old fashioned, but I’m dying of smallpox.
At this point in my life if I drop something and can’t pick it up with my foot or via one of my kids, it’s staying on the floor.
I started running today. Also, there is a new mean dog in the neighborhood that interrupted my walk today.
My account was hacked so if you saw some really weird posts or received some strange DMs, those were the ones that were definitely from ME. Anything else was the hackers.
Let’s give each other some bad writing advice!
Type “You’re not a real writer unless you” then let predictive text do it’s thing.
Mine:
“You’re not a real writer unless you are an expert in the middle east.”
Oddly specific.
The same people that made fun of me for my calculator watch in high school are now wearing Apple watches.
I have achieved immortality.
I found a mysterious lamp and sure enough there was a genie inside.I wished that I won’t die a virgin.
Take your age, multiply it by 3, divide that number by 3. That’s how old you are.
“There are a lot of dead bodies, but it’s okay because they look more like ham.”
-my daughter describing her video game
Middle schoolers are terrifying because they haven’t even discovered empathy yet. just a bunch of psychopaths struggling to learn long division
my cat is so stupid this food doesn’t taste like grilled steak at all
Doctor: you have 2 weeks to live
Me: is there anything you can do?
Doctor: I can juggle
Me: nice I’ve always wanted to learn how to do that
Doctor: well it took me 3 weeks
*i walk over to a coworker who is singing along with a song on the radio, gently put my hand on their shoulder & whisper*
no
TEEN 1: Church is so boring.
TEEN 2: It’s so out of touch.
THE YOUNG POPE approaches pulpit: “Some…BODY once told me–”
TEENS: HOLY SHIT
Me: we need to pick 9 up from school
4: we’ve picked him up a lot lately, let’s just leave him there today
I beat the time estimate on Google maps by going a different way and now I need to figure out how to add this to my resume
oh you’re bisexual? name every man and woman
I can’t even tell you how much I would not enjoy this
Me: *driving kids to school unshowered*
Anxiety: What if you crash and the first responders realize you haven’t showered?
I lost 30 lbs, and did it without exercising or changing my diet! Ask me how.
Not right now, though. I’m waiting for my meth dealer to call.
Batman’s Bat Signal was really banking on the fact that crimes only happened at night.
[My first day as a garbageman]
Text from wife: You forgot to take out the trash.
Me: Goddammit
[Bartending]
Girl: I’d like a martini, make it virgin
Me: ok, I’ll make it, just stop calling me that
Me: will you wake your sister
4: no that’s way too scary