As a mother, I knew one day I would have to deal with the issue of bullying. I just didn’t think it would happen so soon and to my fish.
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The lifeboat dilemma: the guy everyone wants to kill isn’t the one they want to eat.
I’m pretty sure Mark Zuckerberg googled “what do humans enjoy?” and the first result was “Sweet Baby Ray’s” and he just stopped reading after that
My 5yo can’t remember to take off his shirt before showering but he remembered that a month ago I said we’d go to the water park on Saturday
If you see your ex, wrap your hands behind your neck and pretend you’re making out with someone. That’ll show him you’re still crazy AF.
My dad: what kind of dog is that?
Me: Rhodesian Ridgeback.
Dad: Rhode Island douche bag?
Me: close enough.
I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up when it’s ready.
[a duel]
Him: Choose your weapons.
Me: Um…banjos.
Him: See? This is why everyone wants you dead.
Son: I’m addicted to morphing
Dad: Oh God no, are you smoking it, injecting it?
Son: No Dad,not Morphine
Dad: what?
Son: *turns into bat
Your car took up two spaces, I tried to move it over with my key.
Builder: The developer just called and told us not to install the bidets.
Contractor: What are we supposed to do with all these bidets?
Builder: We’ll just take it bidet by bidet.
earth: I’m dying
humans: I’m sorry you feel that way
Girls have Galentine’s day but I just gave my buddy a 12 pack of beer and called it a dozen broses.
Rome wasn’t built in a day but it couldn’t have taken as long as the too slow car wash.
[job interview]
Interviewer: So what makes you think you’d be a good waiter here?
Octopus: I just really feel like I could bring a lot to the table.
You can abandon any ideas of serving me with papers, sir, for as long as my foot remains in this toilet, I am only subject to Maritime Law.
Her: Tell me what you want
Me: A burrito
Her: No!! Tell me what you want in bed
Me: Oh! *gets in bed* a burrito
My mother-in-law asks my wife to help colour her hair. I make a joke about assisted dyeing and they both stare at me. Tough crowd.
It’s an unspoken rule on garbage day that pajamaed neighbors pretend not to see each other.
my cat has the hiccups and he’s trying to lick his own belly and every time he hiccups he looks around like who the hell did that
That’s enough internet for the day
My 4yo is crying because she has outgrown her clothes during quarantine.
Same girl, same.
Wife: ” What’d you do today?”
Me: “Tell me what you think I did.”
If you wear oversized sweats to the grocery store, and an attractive man smiles at you, is it a flirty smile or a pity smile?
okay, so you’re definitely the best at keeping your body completely still, what do you want, atrophy?
If it weren’t for addiction, I could have been a supermodel.
Bread is a hell of a drug.
Look out. The Guest Who Wants to Help in the Kitchen has arrived. She is me and she does nothing well.
Seize the day! Kidnap the evening! Murder the night! Assault the afternoon!
There’s no human I hate more than the attendant in the bathroom at bars. Bro, I can handle this portion of my day ASSISTANCE FREE.
HER: Wow, look at all the presents! How did you afford it all?
ME: I used Kohl’s cash.
[police burst through the door with Kohl]
KOHL: That’s the man who mugged me!
You know how dogs think, when you leave, that you’re never coming back? That’s how I feel when I leave the house for work every morning.