“I’m a night owl”
All owls are night owls. You are a regular owl.
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My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his BD cake in the break room fridge, but he is completely wrong, it wasn’t my finger.
Incredible news from my son’s school as he informs me he knows a 5 year old named Alan.
Welcome to “I HEARD THE CAT PUKE BUT DON’T KNOW WHERE” the game where your eyes try to find it before your feet do.
the coronavirus really making people awaken their inner “A guy bought 20 watermelons” from those math problems
First date:
[ok, don’t let her know you’re a cop]Her: do you come here often?
Me: *shoots unarmed black teen*
Spent the entire day trying to improve the phrase “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it”.
If society ever starts using cat puke as currency, I’m set.
Telling a woman she’s being unreasonable is like juggling lit torches while waist deep in gun powder.
[at the candy shop with 50 Cent] what do you mean metaphor
Me: Please. Just a little longer.
Dental Asst: Ma’am. It’s been 24 minutes since your x-ray. It’s not a real hug, and I need to use the apron on other patients now.
Recipe:Add wine and cook out the alcohol.
Me: Whaaaaaa?
When I say I learnt it on the streets… Just know i’m paying respect to Big Bird and that counting vampire guy
Ever try spreading really cold butter on toast? I’m like the human version of that.
[their last appetizer]
Her: I don’t want it. You have it.
Him: I don’t want it either, you…
Me: *reaches onto their table and takes it
Horror movies are so unrealistic. I mean, if you start living in an abandoned mansion, the biggest thing you have to clean is the pigeon droppings and not dust.
greetings!
wife: the turn was back there
me: i know that, k- omg, i almost called you karen. i’ve been on twitter too much
wife: my name is karen
me: ughh this is different, karen
Remember, kids: If a 200-year old vampire fucks a teenager, it’s “romantic,” but if a 45-year old Muppet fucks a teenager, it’s “creepy.”
You didn’t make the team.
*me as your life coach
You act like you’ve never seen a grown woman ride a carousel horse without kids.
The guy who pumped our septic tank said everything was good & I felt the same accidental pride that I feel when the dental hygienist says my teeth are ok.
I just sneezed and even my dog looked worried.
I have this problem where I keep buying stuffed animals for my anxiety but then my grandparents steal them
“There are way too many people in there.”
~my 7yo’s review of Where’s Waldo
We’d never met, or even spoken, but I could tell just from gazing into her pale blue eyes I had stepped on her toe.
mom: you’re grounded
me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me
[20 years later]
amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm
It turns out that when you’re asked which kid is your favorite, you’re expected to pick from your own. I know that now.
Dad: My head hurts, it feels like wrongdad.
Son: What’s wrongdad?
Dad: I told you, my head hurts.
Son: This is why mom left.
What base is it when he says “I know you need it badly” but he’s talking about sleep.
Every time I burp I feel like my stomach is like, “Hey! Remember when we ate that?”