Denied candy because I “didn’t wear red”. Kicked out of the office because I “didn’t wear pants”. I’m tired of these Valentine’s Day rules.
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Lmfaoooooo
Relationship status:
I’ve put my ear hair in braids.
Get at me.
Vladimir Putin seems like the kind of guy who would fake a sneeze and flip the board over when he’s losing at Risk.
Some people are legally blind. What happens to the illegally blind?
Girlfriend: YOU NEED TO MOVE ON
Me (sliding Blockbuster card back into my wallet): I’m trying…
I thought 2020 was just going to be a bunch of bad eyesight jokes but no it’s much worse
Every time someone calls me an asshole, I stand up like I’m gonna do something about it. Then I just end up stretching while I wink at them.
“Wow, more ABBA. Shocking.”
-anyone on road trips with me
Me: It’s time to eat healthier and get in shape!
Also me: Excited my ice cream maker will be here in 2 days with Amazon Prime!
Taking my roomba out back because I suspect it’s been reporting back to Bezos
Parenting Tip:
Place fake present under tree with unruly child’s name on it and when he misbehaves toss it into the burning fireplace
My wife hates snakes. But if they sold snakes at Target, we’d probably have a few snakes.
At a kids’ birthday party. With my kid.
He abandoned me and I don’t know how to talk to the parents
Beaver 1: our house has been flooded…
Beaver 2: dam
I love the word placebo, but it lacks something
I just want someone who will treat me like a lady and hold the refrigerator door open for me.
Tip for twitter newbies:
Before you start using twitter, please make sure this is really what you want to do with the rest of your life.
Batman: can I have some fettuccine alfredo
Alfred: right away, Bruce-o
Mugger: Put all your cash in this bag.
Me, caught up in a MLM scheme: What if I told you that instead of money I have the power to be my own boss?
Mugger: Oh wow you really have nothing.
Me: Come and rob me in like four weeks I swear I’ll have so much money
*secretly fills your birthday piñata with hornets*
me: [pretends to throw ball for my GF’s dog and laughs]
GF: “you’ll regret that one day”
me: “why?”
GF: “my dog holds grudges”
me: “don’t be stupid”
[one year later]
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
from the back: “WOOF”
Me: I lost twelve followers today.
Wife: On Twitter?
Me: In the woods.
Wife: You’re the Cub Scout leader! It’s your responsibility to find those children!
I do this awesome move at the dance club with my shoulders where i slump them down and go back to my hotel and violently masturbate
*hannibal lecter’s shopping list*
fava beans
a nice chianti
dave
My mom used to say “stop crying or I’ll give you something to cry about” and I’d be like “I’ve already got something, but thanks”
My kid just asked if I was alive in 1871 so home schooling is going well
Me: I had to take your hamster back to the shop
Son: Why
[nervous because I accidentally ran him over with a lawnmower]
Me: He’s a racist
*holding your xray up to the light and looking at it*
when did you first notice your back hurting?
“after the knife went in”
My ex got me one of those mermaid tail blankets and when I told my mom she said I don’t need to hear about your perverse sexual proclivities and I think of this often
Throwing burgers around furniture because I have a hunch that termites only eat wood because they have not tried anything tastier.