I put my fake Christmas tree up in record time
then compulsively fluff it for a month.
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nurse: “if youre going to give grapes to a baby make sure you cut them in half”
me: [visibly confused]
wife: “the grapes keith not the baby”
[the inventor of golf] How can we monetize getting angry in a field?
ME: So you’re into football?
DATE: I’m a big Eagles fan.
ME: Omg same. I just love how they rescued Frodo from that mountain.
HER: I need to see other people.
Me: I made this belt out of herbs
Her: why?
Me: oh, just waisting some thyme
The Amazon toy catalogue came to the house and my kids have already run up a 3 million dollar Christmas list tab.
the eight spiders I swallowed last year have woven together the microplastics inside me to create a tiny starship enterprise and are zooming towards my brain as we spe
Sometimes I think about when I was at an event when I was 20 and I asked this guy to dance and he said after I eat my cake. After he finished that piece he went back for another piece…and another. He just kept eating cake. So. Much. Cake. I’m still waiting on that dance.
Someone thanked me, and, caught between ‘ok’ and ‘alright’, I whispered ‘karate’ back at them.
Damn boy, are you wearing an anti-gravity suit?
‘Cause I’m not the least bit attracted to you.
DOCTOR: You only got one body. You should take care of it.
ME: If I only got one body, I should probably use it up. Really run it ragged.
DOCTOR: …
ME: Get my money’s worth.
Do people who swirl and sniff their wine in the glass know that it tastes just the same straight from the bottle? Amateurs.
A large group of other people’s children is called a “Nope”.
I just want to meet a man the old fashioned way: While being exchanged for livestock.
No friends? What about those visits to your place from Amazon and FedEx?
Host: Today on House Flippers, a houseboat
Couple: I heard Dracula killed a bunch of people on this boat?
Host: The important thing is choosing a layout that makes it feel like a home (pause) I’m thinking new cabinets
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I open a bottle of some condiment when there’s already one open.
[Infomercial for Parachutes]
“Has this ever happened to you?” *showing footage of a man getting thrown off a building, screaming*
[high school]
Teacher: do u have your homework?
Ryan Lochte: I was murdered last night
What the fire inspector sees when he opens my office closet.
Flex on strangers by asking them if they remember you.
How about daylight saves us for once
oh my god
‘The cat is up on your counters again.’
~The monster under my bed.
They say all good things must come to an end…
After 7 wonderful years of marriage…
I walked in on my wife…
Watching Twilight..
scarecrow: i need a brain!
tin man: i need a heart!
me: i need a stomach that stops me from ordering three delivery items, that knows it’s going to be satisfied by one delivery item
dorothy: again, he’s not with us
A pregnant lady was in line in front of me and a stranger asked her what she was having and she said “idk prob the chicken tenders.” Legend.
Welcome to parenthood. You now see every movie six years after it came out. Except for Disney movies. You see all of those immediately and on repeat.
drive-thru worker: would you like to make that large?
me: haha no thanks i need you to make it
most embarrassing email exchange I ever had:
– Sent an email
– They replied & called me “Mautice”
– I reply with a stink about how my name is properly spelled and that it’s actually really important to me
– They told me to check my 1st email
– I had misspelled my own name
me: damn, can’t use the gps, my phone is dead
friend: it’s cool, we have a map
me: nice, we can find a place to charge my phone