she’s a 10 but Excel thinks she’s October
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How normal people flirt…”Hey Sexy*
How I flirt …If you were a tree you’d be a great tree
Apologies about the delay to the 16:10 to Alicante. We’re just waiting for one 3D printed part, but apparently a ‘fuselage’ takes a little time.
I tried a little tenderness and now I’m trying blunt force trauma.
This is about the time of year where my enthusiasm about shoveling snow turns into “it will probably melt on it’s own”
I love how popular barn weddings are…because nothing says marriage like horse shit.
I cut the size tags out of my clothes because I disagree.
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.😁
*holds up gun*
GIVE ME ALL YOUR HONEY!Bank: You mean money?
*giggles*
Oh, bother…– Pooh robbing a bank
The longest 36 hours of my day is from the moment I tell my kids good night to the moment they are actually asleep.
Thinking about going to 50 Shades and eating loudly the whole time.
I WILL HUNT YOU DOWN AND FIND YOU and cuddle you softly.
Monica just destroyed the internet
Me: will you wake your sister
4: no that’s way too scary
Can you rent a shark? It’s time sensitive
My boys are gamers and I’m single
It’s like a race to see who can use the most batteries
The guy next door just put up his Christmas lights… I bet he’s pissed because I beat him, I put mine up 5 years ago..
Is this your resume?
“Yep”
It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away
“Oh yes”
Welcome to UPS!
Getting my 6yo from a playdate today:
6: “Bye! Thank you! You need to wash your hair!”
Friend’s mom (laughing): “I do?”
6: “Yeah, it’s black near your head!”
Friend’s mom (still laughing, thank god): “Oh honey, those are just my roots.”
Me, dying 1,000 deaths: “Time to go!”
peppa pig implies the existence of salt pig
my daughter told me she has a crush on a guy who plays a drug dealer on a show and i’m like oh you get that from me.
I’ve resorted to stuffing my bra with car trash so I can get everything out in one trip, but thanks for carrying that sticker inside, son.
Not to brag, but Panera said I’m worth a treat so it’s good to know I’d go for at least $2 on the Panera black market.
If mice just casually sauntered from room to room cats would probably leave them alone.
What my neighbors thought of me after they moved in:
1. She’s eating cake
2. She’s eating chips
3. She’s eating cake again
4. She’s dipping chips in the cake
I love how pervasive pockets are. We have jacket pockets, pants pockets, pockets of space, pockets of time, pockets of air, and pizza pockets. Thanks for reading.
When guys hold up their legs while riding a motorcycle. Like oh r u having soooo much fun. Are you saying weeeeeee
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
Date: I can’t go out with a guy unless he’s a big dog person
Me [a werewolf]: This is your lucky day
You had my full attention until you said “without further adieu.”