boss: can you fit me into your schedule
me: schMEdule
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If she licks all the frosting off her face with a single 360 degree sweep of the tongue, she might be Scooby Doo.
what are these things called my boss calls them “if you call me in here to take those off your fingers again you’re fired”
inventor of the sword: [watching a sword swallowing contest] oh no. no no no
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I like to stab them with a pen and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
If simply wrinkling my nose at your smell is politer than spraying you head to foot with Febreze then so be it.
Not happy but so be it.
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, please also wear my FitBit.
That awkward moment when twins realize that one of them was not planned
So we’re agreed: if that balloon flies over any of us, we moon it like it’s 1978
With just a few days until Christmas Amazon trucks should be treated like emergency vehicles. If you see them coming with their sirens on you best pull over and let them pass. People are getting worried about their packages, ya’ll.
For a brief moment I confusedly ask myself, “Am I Hannah?”
*the great barrier reef is destroyed but a new one forms in its place* what a rereef
To keep track of us all in the 50’s mom just hung us up on the clothes line.
[knock on my front door]
Me: *pulls out finger gun and looks through peephole* Who’s there? What do you want?
Delivery Man: You ordered a pizza?
Me: *holsters finger gun* yeah, that’s right, sorry… *opens door*
Delivery Man: *shoots me with finger gun*
godzilla: *godzilla roar*
me: godzilla, can we try using our inside voice?
godzilla: (sheepishly) …may i please have a snack
[getting arrested for public nudity]
Cop: PUT YOUR HANDS OVER YOUR HEAD
Me: …
Cop: YOUR OTHER HEAD
Careful…I’ve already had our entire fight in my head and it doesn’t end well for you.
announcing “i’m pregnant”
– pretty normal
– congratulations
– are you excited?screaming “there’s something inside of me”
– sounds dangerous
– we still talking about pregnancy?
– are you john hurt’s character from the hit film alien?
ive modified my phone to deliver electric shocks each time one of you unfollows me. The pain will make me kinder, humbler, and more powerful
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
If you do blood curdling screams and run your fastest zig zag patterns I bet you could make it out of a store with at least forty seven eggs
If I knew I was going to have to homeschool my kids, I would have made sure my husband used a condom.
If biscuits were slimming and contained every nutrient the human body needs, I’d be in terrific shape.
(Final maths exam)
Q: what are the two small horizontal parallel lines?
a) double negative
b) equals
c) eleven fell over
something that I miss about being a child is people asking me what my favourite shape is. adults don’t do this.it’s a rhombus. u don’t care
Good news: I’m finally able to button my super skinny jeans.
Bad news: I’m not wearing them.
#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe
I don’t really like pie, but I will still eat six pieces to be polite.
*poetry 101 first day*
prof: okay so today just pick a subj-
me: (incredibly loud) i call oranges
Her: Babe, I need some sex in the worst way!
Him: Lucky for you, that’s the only way I know.
Don’t frighten the programmers!
*checks watch*
*gets up off toilet*
I don’t have time for this shit