I’ve got 11 lava lamps and every time a girl comes back to my place, she leaves almost immediately. I need more. 14 lava lamps.
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My strong stance on drinking milk straight from the carton has met with no opposition from people who haven’t caught me yet.
Son: am I adopted?
Me: not yet, but we’re hopeful.
*Salem 1692*
Witch: I’m not a witch!
Judge: Look, if we’re being honest, you’re on trial for being a woman. Don’t make this weird
While you’re thinking what to wear, I’m thinking how to take it off.
9-year-old: Can I spend the night at my friend’s house this weekend?
Me: Sure.
9: Can I spend two nights?
Me: You can live there. Just tell her mom to send over the papers.
I’m not a professional photographer, I’m just a club photographer. I take pictures at the club & people pay me to delete them.
[Joseph checking in to hotel]
“Is there WiFi?”
Only in the stable
*later to Virgin Mary*
“Honey, hotel was booked. Gotta stay in the stable”
[Gets soccer schedule, 8am Saturday games]
*Tells junior he didn’t make the team*
Well thank you auto correct for changing “I wish you were here” to “I wish you were her”. I didn’t wanna have sex anyways.
Nothing like that magical moment when you find your 7yo playing quietly in his room, ‘cause he just brought in real bugs to feed his imaginary lizard.
Hot neighbor (limping): I slipped and fell on my bedroom floor this morning
Me: Haha, I saw that
Her: What?
Me: What?
I just heard an economist say she believes a lot of people have “pent up savings” from the pandemic like she’s never heard of Amazon.
finally old enough to understand that “fake it till you make it” and “practice makes perfect” are the same advice
Here in the South, we don’t consider a cookout successful unless there’s an ambulance involved.
The next time kids ding door ditch you you have to run and chase after them and yell WHAT IF IM A CRAZY PERSON!!
Parents who say they love their children unconditionally have obviously never had a kid choose tuba as their band instrument.
My safe word is extra cheese
…in queso emergency.
I accepted the Microsoft terms and conditions without reading them, and apparently I’m now responsible for hemming all of Bill Gates’ pants.
My phone refuses to recognize that Transatlanticism is a word. Do you know how hard it is to get through that word without predictive text. And I talk about Transatlanticism a LOT
If he has cleaning supplies but has a dirty house, he’s a murderer.
Alien: Take me to your leader.
Me: (nervous af) Look my wife is following a diet and she’s not in the best mood today…
The first time I ever went to a Catholic Church the fire alarms went off when I sat down. I can take a hint Jesus.
Guy in restaurant: Mam, are u ok? Are u choking?
Me: *wipes off drool & removes a cherry stem from my mouth that’s not tied in a knot*
5: mom i learned the months of the year!
me: oh yeah? what are they?
5: january…february…tuesday?
me: *tears up application to harvard
i love contactless delivery they just throw the slop at your door and i run out like a little pig
ME: holy shit is that the pope?!
HER [tugging on my arm]: sit down that’s the bride
What do people who drive 20 mph slower in the rain want from us
My three favorite things are eating my family and not using commas.
Remember that decades long January? We didn’t know how good we had it.
*throws smoke bomb, but when the smoke clears I’m just on the floor taking a nap*