wife: everyone at buffalo wild wings is staring at you
me: i’m sorry if i like using a fork and knife
wife: on your coke though?
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i think both sides are to blame here
Blonde in laundromat asks to have
a sweater cleaned.Attendant : “Come again ?”
( not hearing )Blonde: “Nope, Just mustard this time”
Social media is proof that even when you fire your gun in the air, someone will pretend one of those bullets hit them.
I have more pictures of food on my phone than I do of my children.
My 4 year-old now hides from me in the bathroom so l can’t stop him from chewing his nails.
This really upsets me because that was my hiding spot.
If I’m flirting, you’ll know it by how uncomfortable you become.
“Oh, you’re left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I’m just doing it for show
The average person swallows over 4,000 spiders each year. More than that. Tens of thousands. Hundreds of thousands of spiders. It’s crazy.
Walk up in the club like “THIS IS MY JAM” handing out small jars of my homemade raspberry preserves
How do you say “bra” in German? Stopsemfromfloppin
“What if it makes me look stupid,” she said redundantly.
boss: you’re fired
me: [slamming fist on couch] you woke me up for this?
I hate when people refer to some tv shows or snacks as “guilty pleasures.” You shouldn’t feel guilty based on what you’re eating or watching. You should feel guilty all the time.
“Are you ready to rock?”
Scissors: no
What’s the name of that Tom Cruise movie where he runs around a lot?
Someone: You ever just look at someone, and realize you’d go to the ends of the Earth for them?
Me: At the current gas prices, are you nuts?
There is no “ea” in Tim.
[tinder first date]
her: oh. I saw your profile picture holding the fish. I just assumed…fish: yeah this happens a lot
*checks Timeline*…
Me: I’m going to be late.
Boss, over the phone: What happened?!
Me, stuck up to my neck in rice: Well, funny story…I couldn’t find a towel.
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
Teacher: Name the continents
Me: Uh, North America, South America, Africa, uh…Antarctica…
T: Go on
Me: Uhm, Regular Arctica?
T: *sigh*
Me: South Arctica?
Whoa… oh I see lol
my Face ID only recognizes me if I have a cookie in my mouth
My husband just said I look like I fell in a bucket of pretty. I’m gonna divorce him so I can marry him again.
I would like even faster food.
My girlfriend will only have sex with me if i imitate her favourite electrical appliance. Tbh i’m not a fan
“I’m not a prude BUT” – you’re a prude
“I hate the drama BUT” – you love the drama
“I’m not sure what you mean BUT” – you know damn well what I mean
*discretely picks a booger*
*slyly wipes it on her blouse*
Funeral Director: Sir, we can see you and narrating it just makes it worse.
How is it that my kids can never find their own shoes but…
Easily find the one ice cream sandwich I hid behind the peas in the freezer.