ME: I heard about your wife. I’m so sorry
HIM: What do you mean, she’s right here
ME: I know, and it’s true she’s just awful
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Don’t be part of the problem, be the whole problem
You meander, aberrate, divagate, circumlocute, ramble, drift, veer, swerve, wander, range, stray, rove, deviate, maunder, but I digress.
A haunted house but it’s just your cubicle and your boss is inviting you to a team building exercise.
You’re the unreachable booger of people.
Any day now, there will be a country song called “(He broke up with me from) 6 Feet Apart”.
MOM: One more word and you are grounded missy
ME: (terrified of being electrocuted) Yay!
Why buy it for $7 when you can make it yourself with $92 worth of craft supplies.
me: everything is the same, but when the bread is done it pops out a little more so that you can grab it without burning your hand
toaster company ceo: I still don’t get it
Men, do you ever wonder what women have in their purses?
Simple really: Wallet, keys, lip balm, tiny hand grenades, sunglasses, tissues, a pet unicorn, souls of our enemies, Advil, tampons and sometimes brass knuckles.
You’re welcome
“Describe yourself in three words”
“Lazy”
cop: looks like the groom was murdered by his best man
detective: so you’re saying it was a *removes sunglasses* homiecide
cop: I don’t get it
detective: bc you have no friends, neil
Me : Dating is tough. Lots of weirdos out there ..
Me on first Date : so here’s everything I know about the Jonestown massacre.!
Fell in love with my cashier today, but then she said “Hi, how are you?” to the next customer, like that wasn’t totally OUR thing!
I hide photos on my computer of me petting animals at the zoo in a file named FIREWORKS AND VACUUMS so my dog won’t find them.
god: make a guy who brings children presents
angel: aww that’s nice
god: have him slide through chimneys at night
angel: wait what
god: i want him to scream ho ho ho while riding a flying sled pulled by a bunch of those horned horses
angel: dude
Hear me out: a party bus that stops at bakeries.
We weren’t going to post a joke about mail, but sometimes you just gotta send it.
[my funeral]
college professor(standing over my casket): I just want to remind you that attendance is a big part of your final grade.
I almost spilled my wine, but if it were doing its damn job, I would have actually spilled it.
If a vegetarian who eats fish is a pescatarian, is a vegetarian who eats chicken called a poultrygeist?
A kiss begins with K. But it’s also just a text from someone who doesn’t want to have a conversation with you.
My dentist has a tremor. He’s a good dentist, but you just don’t know exactly what’s going to get fixed.
Your car took up two spaces, so I tried to move it over with my key.
Three tips to stay young looking: drink water, wear sunscreen every day, remember every personal slight
*Pouring nacho cheese over my bowl of cornflakes* No, I wouldn’t say I’ve let quarantine life change me.
Life is like having a brazilian wax. The more times you have the carpet ripped out from under you, the less painful it gets.
Wife: Do I look like I’ve gained weight?
Me: Not if I look from really, really far away, no
W: I despise you
A fun way to spice up any marriage is to surprise your spouse by doing a chore and then when they thank you, reply with “no problem, somebody had to do it.”
Boy: *Kissing girl on couch* You wanna take this upstairs?
Girl: Hehe sure baby
Boy: Sweet! Grab the other end, I can’t carry it by myself
Seeing all this inclusion on TV and movies now is making me feel like I grew up in the 1800s…when only my knees did