My cat slept on the couch last night so I guess that means we’re fighting
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why do people get so upset about bad haircuts. name one other problem that resolves itself quietly over time while you wait
MARINE BIOLOGY PROFESSOR: So an octopus can change its color to mimic its surroundings. When octopi do this it’s called—
ME: An octo-lie.
PROFESSOR: …Metachrosis.
ME:
PROFESSOR:
ME: Mocktopus.
I’m too young to always make noises when I bend down to pick something up off the ground
Cashier: How are you today?
Me: You too.
🤦🏻♂️
Why do people wax their surfboards? A hairy surfboard is a natural and beautiful thing.
Give a baker flours on your first date.
My 3 year old wants 3 cookies because he’s 3. So I’m having 36.
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 50,000 signatures.
Nursing school doesn’t prepare you for the number of elderly patients who will casually confess to decades-old murders.
At family dinners, I always offer to bring the potato dish. It’s always vodka.
Dishonest mechanic?
My (32F) husband (36M) wants to start a ‘restaurant for magicians’, and it is tearing our family apart
I found a condom lying in the street in front of my house so I now know exactly where the rubber meets the road.
I make one mistake and my pharmacist now adds “by mouth” on the prescription label.
My wife really is the sunshine of my life.
Too bad I’m a vampire.
*eats way too much delicious space pudding*
Me: Oof I am STUFFED! What’d you call this again?
Alien Chef: OH MY GOD YOU ATE MY GRANDMOTHER!
Seriously you guys, the only reason to check Facebook, is to find out where people are going, and then go somewhere else.
[revenge plan]
*invent miniaturisation machine.
*shrink to tiny size.
*crawl all over sleeping spider’s face.
I’m sorry for the plans I made when I was feeling sociable.
-me canceling my Dr appt
TEENS: You might find yourself “embarrassed” by certain things your body is doing, when in fact, you should be ashamed.
*naked in boots*
Omg I’m gonna win this Shrek costume contest
Unless someone tries to take a kneecap out with a crowbar, I have no interest in watching the Olympics.
[at funeral]
“it was so sudden”
really?
“yeah right in the middle of rap battle”
I thought you said he died of dysentery
TERRY: That’s right
I got a car wash 5 days ago and it hasn’t rained yet. Who broke the weather?
I like to put a banana in each pocket just to confuse people.
My kid just asked if ‘duct tape’ is short for ‘abduction tape’.
… we’re totally nailing this parenting thing.
5yo: I want a snack.
M: You can have a yogurt smoothie.
5: I NEED CHOICES!
M: Ok. You can have a yogurt smoothie or you can have nothing.
I’m at that age where I’m not only invisible but people think my cart is haunted when I go grocery shopping
I gotta say, I’ve never been in an Uber with red and blue lights!
Also, I don’t remember calling for one…
*getting kidnapped
Me: Thank you.