Hello Twits.
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me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass
They should have to tell you that there will be a 20-parent group text when you’re signing your kids up for little league.
It absolutely scares me to death that I’M the voice of reason in this house.
If I were gonna give advice about how to survive leaving your phone at home, it would be this: stare at something else. I chose a weird baby
Like PAC-MAN before me, I too feel pursued by the ghosts of my past, consume mindlessly without end, and enjoy fruit.
My husband told me I’d better stock up on my wine in case we get quarantined. Maybe he really does still care about me.
Don’t you hate noticing that an office memo says it’s for discussion purposes only and you have to unfold your paper airplane?
[overheard at a 7 year old’s birthday party]
GIRL: I wanna marry you
BOY 1: 😲
BOY 2: I wanna marry your toilet
It’s gonna take a real idiot to write my autobiography.
my friend trusts me to be around her boyfriend alone because i’m basically her scary father he’s forced to bond with to earn my respect
[i bite into an apple and a swarm of bees comes flying out]
“this gives me an idea for a restaurant”
Bruce Wayne could prevent so much more crime if he just used his vast fortune to buy up all the Gotham tri-state area abandoned chemical plants and dilapidated amusement parks.
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
My husband said we should have a ‘date night’
I wonder why he didn’t like it when I introduced him to my date? Husbands, go figure.
I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
This is Beth. I said, introducing my kid.
And whats Beth short for? he asked.
Because shes only three. I answered.
My phone refuses to recognize that Transatlanticism is a word. Do you know how hard it is to get through that word without predictive text. And I talk about Transatlanticism a LOT
Can some of you who who post pictures of your muscles come over Saturday and help me move?
ME: The plane has wifi? Sweet, I’m going to Skype call that radio psychic.
RADIO PSYCHIC: Go ahead caller, you’re on the air
ME: HOLY SHIT
Taking bets on how long my kid will proudly trip over the pillowcase she’s wearing because pants weren’t “fluffy enough” this morning
[Job Interview]
“It says here under skills, that you can eat rice?”*Eats rice with chop sticks*
“Holy shit! When can you start?!”
If i were a hand model, at least i could say that i’ve banged a model.
It’s painful when you lose an ex. It’s even more painful when they come back.
HR: Did you call an employee stupid?
Me: No, I asked if he knew he was stupid.
I hate when I’m checking out a bag of chips, and the guy standing in front of it, thinks my lustful gaze is meant for him.
Waiter: Did we decide?
Date: Yes, I’d like the Sirloin. Medium rare.
Me: And I’d like the Remix to Ignition. Hot & fresh out the kitchen.
Me *tearing up as my bride walks down the aisle on our wedding day*
Priest:
Me:
Priest: Look she might come back
Whose bad idea was it to text him a 4th time just in case his phone was being weird?
Tequila, I’m looking at you.
My kids asked me what people were protesting about on tv so I had to sit them down and very carefully explain that people are still angry about the horrible Mother’s Day gift they bought me.
[first date]
DATE: so you love dogs?
ME: yes, I relate to them very much
DATE: aww that’s swee-
[a fly buzzes my head and I try to bite it]
I call my phone Lois because it doesn’t recognize me without my glasses