I lost my cool when I had to click on a heart three times before it would stick.
I’d probably make a lousy paramedic.
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“On your 1st day, find the biggest guy, and punch him in the face to show you’re in charge.”
– my advice to new teachers
I’m going to normalize a new trend.
Unsolicited *CROC* pics
sometimes you see a really brain-dead “political theory” take on here, then you realize it’s just a 19-year-old who figured out a really verbose way to say they hate school
Me: hi
Person who just got back from Europe: It was life changing. thank you for asking
Juliet: O Romeo, Romeo! Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo: New phone. Who dis?
A job site for heavily tattooed professionals called Inkedin
Some people exercise every day.
I’m trying to teach my self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house.
when ur mom took the xbox away because you got a D- on ur report card and you went to your room, slammed the door, and turned this song up to full volume on the radioshack speakers so the whole family knew you were gonna be full of angst for the next several days
Pretty unfair how gargoyles just monopolized rooftop perches.
Him: “You’re not like other girls”
My anxiety and insecurity: “Told ya”
I’m never a more ineffective parent than when I accidentally make threats that rhyme.
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
Bed should get ready for ME
Me: *sings bedtime song*
4: I like that song
Me: *Sing song again*
4: I didn’t say I wanted it again
Me: *Stops singing song*
4: Why did you stop singing
Me: *Hands child to her dad and schedules emergency therapy session*
Why are the moths in this damn desert bigger than birds
Carves “you are a doo-doo head” into the car door of my enemy because my sword is mightier as a pen or something like that
I added someone as a friend 2 years ago but they haven’t responded. They must be really busy.
[after lover’s spat]
ME: Honey. Lamb chop. Sweetie cakes.
HER: You’re just naming foods.
ME: Pumpkin. Muffin.
HER: …
ME: Zucchini bread.
If the USA is so great, why did someone make the USB
Of course climate change is man-made. It’s all been meticulously orchestrated by the Titanic survivors, seeking revenge on that iceberg.
100% of all marriages end with an ‘s’
If you want to keep people away from you, just have a conversation with yourself at the supermarket self checkout, like there’s an employee there:
Me: Did you find everything you need today?
Me: Yes, thank you.
Me: Whatchu got planned for today?
Me: Just relaxing
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
It do be feeling this way.
THERAPIST: You need more friends
ME: I put bird seed that attracts raccoons in the backyard, last week
THERAPIST: …
ME: …
THERAPIST: … So all of these-
ME: [surrounded by raccoons] Whatever you have to say to me, you can say in front of the garbage boys
Mum: get me a plate
Me: which plate?
Mum: any plate, doesn’t matter
*brings plate*
Mum: no not that one
why do they call it involuntary manslaughter and not a grave mistake
The mailman told my husband he banged every woman on the block, except for 1, I told him it had to be Carol next door, she’s really not friendly
Every mega rich guy has been or is becoming super interested in ways to get off of the planet. Seems fine