The first guy that paid for life insurance died never knowing if it was a scam.
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What did people count before they counted Mississippis? Mesopotamias? Kathmandus? Cucamongas?
Me: it’s not illegal
Cop, staring at my trunk filled with creamy peanut butter: It’s just… SO. MUCH.
Me: but it’s not illegal
Cop: no, no it’s not
“Welcome to McDonald’s, how may I take your order?”
“Begrudgingly, I would imagine.”
My favorite Bible stories are where women are villains for things like picking fruit or getting their boyfriend a better haircut.
Sorry, what did you say? I was staring at my ceiling fan wondering what I would do in a scenario where it fell and helicoptered around my house chasing me
Mailman: whatcha doing
Me: I’m going fishing for my neighbor Larry
Mailman: you mean WITH your neighbor
Me [casting a sausage link into Larry’s mail slot]: he likes chorizo the most
Oh. My. God.
Never thought I’d need to say ‘don’t lick the paint’ to a 14 year old, yet here we are.
Doing best/worst parts of our day at dinner w 3yo:
Him: The best part of my day was-
Me (Came into his preschool class to read to them today): yeah?
Him: Watching TV.
Me: Oh, ok.
Him: Wait! No! I just remembered!
Me: yeah???
Him: When I got the ketchup from the fridge.
How can a cemetery raise its burial charges and blame it on the cost of living?
ME: I’m dead inside.
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: Dead inside. Jesus, is this your first fuckin day?
Me: I’m terrified of aging rock bands
Therapist: You too?
Me: [screams]
i physically cannot make a spotify playlist without adding every song i’ve ever liked. i’ll start one called “sad :(” and it’ll end up with temperature by sean paul on it
*pastes on mayonnaise in place of roll on deodorant
Arkansas is just Kansas for pirates.
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
customer behind me in line: hey I think your phone is ringing
me: oh *declines it* thank you
I’m not saying I’m not physically fit, I’m just saying I went to yoga once and they had to call the paramedics.
Death row last meal? Starfish. Eat a leg, it grows back. Sit back and enjoy a long life eating starfish legs in an electric chair.
Recycling in 2019: I’m not an alcoholic haha I just had a party
Recycling in 2020: omg I swear I didn’t have a party I’m just an alcoholic
Wore a push up bra to work today and now I can’t see my keyboard.
*Checks out grocery item*
Grocery item: “I have a boyfriend.”
Me: We spend a lot of time together.
Her: Turn left.
Me: Just think we should take this to the next level.
Her: Arriving at destination.
Maternal instincts are incredible. For example, now that I’m a mom, I automatically start salivating if someone uncorks a bottle of wine within a half mile radius of my location.
“I love the Fall, the trees are so pretty”
It’s fall??
“Ya, so what?”
[leaves start attacking everyone]
OMG THE LEAVES HAVE TURNED
Noah had a younger brother called Rick who just built a speedboat and saved 9 cheetahs
Thanks, spell check, that’s what I meant: Edgar Allen Pie.
My wife just pulled me into the other room and I thought she wanted to have a serious talk but she just wanted to give me m&m’s without the kids seeing.
I asked my husband what he wanted for Father’s Day & he said silence & then we all laughed & laughed & the kids went back to breaking the sound barrier.