My eyesight is good, but my strongest sense is non.
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First minute of hiccups: teehee listen to me i’m so cute
10th minute of hiccups: I YEARN FOR THE SWEET RELEASE OF DEATH
Me to my 7yo: Why are you sleeping naked with one mitten on?
7: Because I couldn’t find the second mitten
The travel toothbrush has to be the greatest invention ever. Can you imagine having to lug around one of those regular heavy ones?
Lady t-rex: I’m tired tonight, take care of yourself.
Dude t-rex: 😑
O-mi-cron, Becky. Look at that variant.
*3 running a brush through my hair*
3: I’m making your hair pretty
Me: Thank you
3: instead of so ugly
Me:
Anyone: Loose lips sink ships
Me *writing down note*: Tighten ship’s lips.
“Ah, Mr Bond, I-”
*closes laptop lid and pulls up trousers*
“-wasn’t expecting you.”
Being an aunt is easier than being a mom. All fun. No disciplining. And I get to hand the kids back.
Can’t. Trying to decide between hiding the presents in the dishwasher or the washer/dryer since I’m the only one in this damn house who uses them.
It’s just a bunch of grown men too stubborn to ask for directions, so they are driving around in circles.
~Me explaining NASCAR to my daughter
You look like the type of guy to put the “lotion” in “relotionship”.
You also look like a bad speller.
Them: You want the truth?
Me: No thanks, I’m trying to cut back.
jesus: (on the cross) you know what i could really go for right now? a hard-boiled egg
Do you ever feel like you’re a white shirt and life is a leaky burrito?
Them: How much would you have to win in the lottery to quit your job?
Me: At this point I’d probably walk if I won a free coffee in McDonalds Monopoly
*puts ex in Memory Lane*
*revs car engine*
I love friendship errands, where you do a little task with a friend by your side for company, like pick up your prescription or stop at the post office or transport a ring of power to Mordor
Adulthood is like the part in The Wizard of Oz where Dorothy tries to runaway from her problems, but then SURPRISE, there is also a tornado.
TSA agent: Please remove all footwear
[moments later]
TSA agent: Not mine, sir
My editor dislikes my use of contractions but it’s what it’s
1.25pm: Do you love me more than football?
4.25pm: Yes, of course.
Me handing covered dish to hostess: sorry I’m late I got sidetracked
Her: our cookout was 2 weeks ago
Oh you’re a yogi name one picnic basket you’ve stolen
“I don’t know, it needs a little something. Hand me the garbage pail, Lorraine.”
Instead of sending a letter in a bottle, go one step further. Bottle up all your feelings, then throw yourself out into the ocean.
me: when I was your age, I had to work for everything I had, your generation is just looking for handouts u lazy piece of shit
baby:
Beanbag chairs are fun and comfortable but you should never buy one because one day you’ll get some really bad news and you’ll have to roll off the side and onto the floor before standing up to comfort your partner.
Wife: We’re going to have a baby!
Friend: Wow congrats! Are you going to find out what it is?
Me: I already googled and it’s a very tiny human
Me: my Husband always wanted a Viking funeral
Friend: but weren’t you supposed to wait until he died to shoot him with a flaming arrow?
Me: ugh, that’s what the jury said too.
Guard: visiting hours are up.