12 Monkeys #DescribeYourSexLifeWithAMovie
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I’d like the chicken-fried steak, please.”
Uh lemme get back to you
*runs to kitchen*
YO WE GOT ANY CHICKENS THAT KNOW HOW TO FRY A STEAK
Knowing you’ve got indigestion is a gut feeling
#mondaymirth
I bought satin sheets and satin pajamas. When I went to jump into bed I ended up in my neighbors garage.
CUSTOMER: why has your colleague got a larger plastic face covering than you?
SHOP ASSISTANT: that’s the supervisor.
my anti-aging skincare regime consists of a plan to eventually get bitten by a vampire
Is it ‘My wife and I’ or ‘Me and my wife’? Anyway, we just robbed a liquor store
Voted most likely to power walk into a volcano
Canadian winters be like:
Today’s high is -23, but with the wind chill it feels like -57.
Can’t tell if they’re hitting on me here?
So many people say they love their Roomba, but you never see them set it free.
I have literally never stopped thinking about this
I can’t believe my friend from high school lets her kid have an Instagram account when she’s only *checks notes* 21.
[counseling]
She gets angry a lot
“He took me camping and left me in the middle of nowhere”
YOU SAID YOU LIKED SURVIVOR, KAREN
I asked what she wanted for her birthday and she said she’d like anything I picked out for her and I’ve never been more afraid.
TRUMP: if elected i’ll build a protective wall. I’ll call it the great wall
*advisor whispers in his ear*
i’ll call it the really great wall
[as i’m getting buried alive by a serial killer] wait stop who’s gonna feed my tamagotchis
the one awesome thing about being a dad in this economy is that after I die, I’ll only have to work for a couple more years then I can retire
Going to couples therapy with my alibi until we make it work because I’m not giving up on this relationship.
What if the brown ones are just clear M&M’s
Me, hands in the air: woo! SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS.
My doctor: *rips up prescription she just wrote for codeine cough syrup
Am I a bad navigator? Well off course
Getting rid of my cleaning person sounded like a good way to save money, until it came time to do the cleaning.
I never see my neighbors. Unless I’m walking through the kitchen pulling my bra through my sleeve, glance out the window, and then it’s all like heyyyy
Sex with me is like bowling. Lots of drinking and cursing. Sticking your fingers in weird holes. You have to rent shoes.
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead Linda
if you count cows instead of sheep to try and fall asleep it’s probably pasture bedtime (i’m so sorry)
You disagree with me and I bring out the spiked minion bat to put you in your place
Dear White People,
Stop making videos of yourselves singing songs from ‘Frozen’!
my roommate is terrible at remembering lyrics and is currently in the shower singing “something something armadillo, something something armadillo, something something armadillo, armadillo suitcase, we didn’t start the fire-“
I forgot the word milk so I called it calcium juice.