grocery shopping hungry is way more interesting than full, hungry me is down to eat anything and everything
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Day 1 of being kidnapped.
Kidnappers are now offering my husband a ransom to take me back.
Husband is asking for more money.
she wears short skirts, I get steamed up
she’s cheer captain and I’m a little teapot
#InternationalWomensDay is just a holiday hallmark made up to sell more women
Friend “Listen to this. I had wine delivered the other night and I ended up having sex with the delivery guy”
Me “There’s WINE delivery?”
Know your customer. Think like an idiot.
They say throwing a party is about planning, but it’s really about setting aside your pride and asking your friends and family to bring whatever dumb items you forgot.
[at a party]
host: would you like a tour
me: no thanks, but hey while I have you here… which room would you describe as “off limits”
I put my shirt on like everyone else. How I get my pants on, however, involves a spatula and 8 monkeys with Navy SEAL-like precision.
If it wasn’t for my coworkers who arrive to work after me I would never know it’s been raining for 7 days.
Horrifying if literal: Robert Burns
What’s something you had to put on “pause” for lockdown? I guess for me it’s picking up my kid from a birthday party.
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
Nothing starts a conversation quite like wearing a tiara in Walmart.
A watched pot never boils but a pot left unattended burns. So you see my dilemma.
[immigration hall]
Agent: are you traveling for business or pleasure?
Me, after flying 8 hours for revenge: both
If you can tell from my eye contact at the grocery store that I’m inviting you to race shopping carts, you’re my kinda people.
No officer,YOU`RE going the wrong way.
This seems like a really, really bad idea.
*jumps in with both feet*
Maybe the raccoons threw away something very important. Did you ever think about that you big jerk.
My 4 year old walks around the house with a walkie talkie clipped on his pants like he’s here installing high speed internet.
Me to my boss: Hey I have to wfh today, I couldn’t answer the riddles three. Yep, they didn’t let me across the bridge. I’ll see you on Teams though.
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t find a good way to drink wine from a lying down position.
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe marriage should be between a person who hates pickles and another person who will eat that pickle.
I like big MUTTS & I cannot lie
U other breeders can’t deny
When a dog walks in with a pretty mixed race & spots all on its face it gets PET
Joined Match.com… And all I got was a lit cigarette
“dress for the job you want”
There’s a job you want???
If you get a present from me with scissors and a roll of tape trapped under the wrapping paper, I’m gonna need those back.
The reason Batman doesn’t cover his whole face is because he needs the police to know he’s white