Wife: Take out the trash
Me: Just let me finish this movie
Wife: What are you watching?
Me: *turns to camera* The Neverending Story
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Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread
Seal:
me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol
[later]
Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before
Me before a guy comes over: I have to clean my entire home. Every room must be immaculate. Even the rooms we are unlikely to occupy need to be spotless
Guy: if I see so much as a speck of dust I will not have sex with this person
Cop: Maybe it’s your driving. Maybe you’re drunk.
Me: Maybe it’s Maybelline.
My friends made fun of me for buying this flamethrower, but at least I don’t have to shovel snow this weekend.
Jokes on you, I still have a stockpile of toilet paper from the Mayan Calendar Apocalypse.
New coworker: What brought you to Wyoming?
Me: I met my wife on Twitter and moved here
New CW: how did you get a woman to talk to you on Twitter?
Me: I didn’t say things like that?
A world without racism exists in traffic. The anger, cursing and honking is truly based on the ability to drive, not the content of the car.
What do we want?
FLEXIBLE WORK SCHEDULES THAT ACCOMMODATE FAMILY LIFE!
When do we want it?
[Unintelligible yelling of different dates]
Him: Can I have a bite of your dessert?
Me: I think we should see other people.
My wife gave me her Christmas list. I said, “isn’t my undying love & affection enough?”
We laughed and laughed. Now I’m at the purse store
When I was 5 my life ambition was to ride on a parade float. That happened when I was 6.
I didn’t really plan past that, and still haven’t.
Maybe everyone can just pee outside from now on so I never have to clean the toilets again, kthanks.
Yo mama so fat she plays Temple Walk.
I always end up at the store behind people who’ve never been to a store.
Wikigenius
20: pulls an all nighter with the boys
40: pulls a hamstring adjusting the boys
Just dyed a bald eagle red, white & blue & forced my family to eat 3 apple pies each. We’re all crying. It’s awesome.
Doctor: it’s a beautiful baby girl!
Nurse: what’s her name?
Me: well we both love Kit Kats
Nurse: that’s so cute! Kit, or Kat?
Me: meet Wafer
You know that pain which starts at your hip, runs down your leg, out the front door,and goes across the street to the bus stop… I’ve that.
maybe there’s an alternate universe where onions cry when they chop up humans, you don’t know
TEACHER: if i have 5 apples and take away 2, what’s left
KID: your left or my left
[therapy]
me: I’m really trying to change
therapist: that’s great
me: I want to be become a different person
therapist: how
me: *squeezes eyes closed* telekinesis
therapist: no
[ouija board]
“helo??”
YOUR… SPIRIT…
“shh its working”
WILL… APPEAR…
“omg”
AFTER… THIS… AD…
“dude why didnt u pay for this ouija board??!”
“Red Hot Riding Hood” (1943)
A sequence so famous (or infamous, if you’re the censors) that it’s been replicated, homaged or outright ripped off in countless pieces of animation. The reaction shots of the Wolf are still as funny as they were 80 years ago.
Actually Frankenstein was the name of the scientist. I, the person correcting you on this trivial point, am the monster.
*sees co-worker outside of work, hisses like a cat*
I once put a baby in adult clothing and placed him on my desk with a water bottle labeled “fountain of youth” right next to him.
GOD: for this to work, I need them to feel love
CUPID: how about I shoot them through the heart with an arrow?
GOD: ur starting to worry me
I’ve just found out that my 18-year-old keeps an eye on my Twitter account and now I’m seriously torn between doubling down on calling Ted Danson daddy or deleting my entire online identity.
I was fired from my job at the sperm bank for saying “get a load of this guy” every time someone walked in