I set up my Nativity scene, but since baby Jesus hasn’t arrived yet, Mary, Joseph and all the Wise Men are just looking down at their phones.
You Might Also Like
best thing about being funny and having a gf is that I give her the hiccups from doing such good jokes and then I can make fun of her for having the hiccups for the next half hour
It can be hard to see beyond the limited perspective any one individual is offered in this tiny life, but try to spare a moment’s empathy for the poor task rabbiter I just hired to install my parents’ WiFi.
so it’s mythic and sexy when sirens lead men to their deaths at sea with song, but when I do it, it’s all “how did you even do that” and “what the hell”
Is there any rejection more humiliating than when you try to tickle someone and it doesn’t work
[first night in hell]
This isn’t so bad, really. I expected worse.[6 AM, waking up to every neighbor mowing their lawn]
ARE YOU KIDDING ME
[spitting] these berries don’t taste like a goose AT ALL
If a 99lb girl eats a 1lb plate of nachos is she technically 1% nachos? I think I’m on to something…
NARRATOR: When camping be wary of savage bears trying to take your food
*camera pans to a bear holding glass of wine with a wtf expression
[Blind date]
Girl: I’ve always had a bit of a thing for bad boys
Dog: [starts putting on his coat] I don’t think this is gonna work out
I sold a lawn mower on facebook marketplace today. That’s the last time my neighbor wakes me up by mowing his lawn at 6:30 am.
Sad that Batman’s never seen a PG movie b/c he never had parental guidance
jesus christ confetti not now
99% of my news comes from Twitter. All I know is that Adam Levine cooked a chicken in Nyquil and then called its body absurd?
got three hours sleep & i fell great! seems li the less less sleep I get the move alarr et u ambdcim
“asparagai” is what i call multiple asparagus, but don’t take my word for it. get your own word for multiple asparagus
According to WebMD, I either have the Ebola virus or I just sat on my car keys :/
I find few things more alarming than a toddler with a permanent marker in her hand.
Bruce Banner: Please don’t make me angry. I’m begging you. Today’s—
*violently transforms into Hulk, revealing Wonder Woman underoos*
Hulk: (sigh)… laundry day.
I watched a guy at the gym put his shoes on like:
Sock, shoe. Sock, shoe.
And then he walked away like it was completely normal.
Apparently my aunt is doing some damage control after a crucial signage mistake
Beauty and the Beast (1991): A woman develops Stockholm Syndrome, emotionally bonding with her captor at castle furnished with singing decor
My dog used to get into her kennel when I put my coat on and I’m not saying that her standards have dropped since the start of this pandemic but she just went into her kennel when I put on pants
when people make fun of me for reading fiction, I don’t get mad. I simply invite them down into my cellar for a glass of fine vintage. they have never read Poe; they have no idea what’s coming.
Whoever invented the spoon caused quite a stir.
“If you don’t let the Jews go, I will find you. I will kill you.”
Liam Neeson returns in…
TAKEN 3: SCHINDLER’S PISSED
(Summer 2015)
I napped the entire afternoon away.
I still feel like garbage but at least I’m well-rested garbage.
All the girls I’ve ever kissed can agree on one thing. It’s weird that I have a beak.
Extra virgin olive oil is just olive oil who got dating advice from me.
Brain cancer from cell phones is no longer considered a risk because who holds their phone up to their head anymore?