Leaned over to give my dog a kiss and he lifted his paw to shake hands, I’ve been friendzoned by my dog
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the last thing a carrot sees
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
The houseplant died inside, so I threw it out, and now it’s growing in the driveway just to spite me.
[texting gf]
February 13th
“I think we should spend some time apart”February 15th
“Ok that was enough time”
[commercial for evaporated milk]
IS YOUR MILK TOO WET?
Victorian photographers like “Okay we have a two deceased relatives propped in chairs package or our popular one deceased, multiple poses plus family pet package. We can include coffins but the trend now is to have some fun capturing pics where it’s unclear who’s actually alive”
How many zombies would Rob Zombie rob if Rob Zombie could rob zombies?
I was so busy yesterday, my smart phone had 75% battery left at the end of the day.
I hate when people say it’s quarter till 11.
Just say it’s 10:75
3am
H: *yells from bedroom*
babe, do I smell cake?
M: *not looking up, eating cake from the pan*
nope, it’s a new plug in
I still to this day think about that tweet where a girl said she walked into her room holding her phone in one hand and a cup of tea in the other and threw the wrong one onto her bed
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: Please, call me Yuri, let’s get right to it, have you ever committed a crime?
Me: Yes, I stole a penny from my mom’s swear jar, it was the Crime of the Cent, Yuri.
Me: Hi, the names Pete. What’s yours?
Engelbert Humperdinck: Engelbert Humperdinck
Me: Fine, don’t tell me.
I’m ready for Halloween this year
“Should we take the kayak or just walk out to the sandbar?” -Row versus wade.
Whenever there’s a bee trapped inside my house, I always open all the doors and windows so all the other bees can join it and it doesn’t die alone.
I wanted to go out tonight, but the avocado I bought last week will finally be ripe enough to eat between 9pm – 9.15pm so I can’t.
Stop tweeting about what real women are and are not. You’re going to blow my secret that I’m a lizard creature zipped into a woman suit
Weird how James Bond was always like, ‘I’m 007’ like just be 7
I’m Asian. We literally have no wrinkles until we wake up one day with the jowls of a Saint Bernard.
Bear 1: Is that guy playing Nickelback on his hike?
Bear 2: Yup. Give me a minute to stretch.
When people start mentioning their doctoral degrees at dinner parties I find a way to slip it into the conversation that I’ve read all 6 Harry Potter books.
My report card always said I was not living up to my full potential. Well, the joke’s on them. That really was as good as I was going to get
ME: Happy Valentine’s Day! Enjoy these chocolates.
HER: Ugh, these are all coconut. Did you get me anything else?
ME: *awkwardly hands her a bouquet of coconuts*
necessity is the mother of invention
Canadian Thanksgiving isn’t the same day as Thanksgiving in the US because Canadians already put gravy on everything every day.
Told my kids we can’t have nice things because of them and 11 candidly says, “You’re the ones who decided to have kids,” so now I guess we don’t have nice things or comebacks anymore.
I only use balsamic vinegar made from the finest of ballsams.