Magazines are for your self esteem.
-New Yorker: You’re so uncultured.
-Cosmo: Your body is garbage.
-Forbes: Hey there, peasant.
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If you like more than one type of pasta does that make you bilinguini?
Just shooed that big green raccoon out of my garbage can again. Man, he’s grouchy.
No thanks Olive Garden, the last place I wanna eat is somewhere that treats me like family.
Oh no
*speed dating*
So which of my teeth is your favorite?
I stick pins and needles in the people I don’t like because can’t afford voodoo dolls.
Him: Did you wash your hands?
Child (10): No, he didn’t.
Child (8): YOU DON’T KNOW MY LIFE!
Person: Raise your glasses!
Me: Hahaha! *raises bottle*
[hospital]
“We found the problem. There’s an entire sheep in your stomach.”
“Is that bahahaad?”
“Yes. It’s causing some internal bleating.”
[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
Why do they say “character actress”? Is that to differentiate them from the all those actresses that only play walls and bits of furniture?
“At your cervix, m’lady”
– me as an OBGYN and also just me
Please look at this text I just received from my boyfriend and yes you have the same amount of context as I do
It’s been my experience that people seem a lot nicer before we get married
Cats are still liquid.
[commercial]
Narrator: These are real people and not actors-Actor watching the commercial: *throws lamp at TV* WE’RE PEOPLE TOO!
I love how you changed “Conclusions” to “Learnings” in my PowerPoint. Any other made-up words I should add?
i spent four months making this so might as well post on twitter too 🧍🏻♀️
Relationship status: held a door open for a girl, so she used the other one
Me, dry heaving and wheezing: Everest was a mistake! I’m going to die alone on this godless wasteland
The Sherpa: Miss? We are still in the parking lot
No, Karen ….
Gold, Frankincense and Myrrh
is NOT a Jewish law firm.
Wife: he has no sense of adventure. he even refuses to ride a roller coaster
Therapist: go on
Me: oh so you’re taking her side now
This 1886 photograph of a young girl trying to cut a beam of sunlight with a pair of scissors is either a wonderful testament to the boundless imagination of childhood, or a clear example of the fact that kids were just as dumb 135 years ago.
I’d like to see every photograph where I’m just someone
passing in the background.
Me (young, foolish): refrigerator may I have a few ice cubes?
Refrigerator (old, wise): one or one-thousand, there is no few
Me: I’m inviting Doug to watch the game
Wife: I thought you were mad at Doug bc he still hasn’t returned our shop vac
Me: I’m over it
[halftime, 2 beers later]
TV: 🎶Like a good neighbor, state farm is there🎶
Me: you know what else a good neighbor does, Doug?
Friend: Take my advice, girls love guys with pets
*later*
Me:*holding a snake to date’s face* his name -stop screaming- his name is Carl.
nurse: I’m pretty sure he’s dead
me: let’s find out
nurse: but he-
me: SWEET CAROLINE
nurse: what are u-
me: shhhhh
patient: [faintly] ba ba ba
me: nope
If you can’t tell the difference between “erotic” & “exotic” then zoo keeping is definitely not for you.