Playing dead in the supermarket to avoid having a conversation with someone you know attracts more attention than I anticipated…go figure.
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*Joins sleep study to get a full night’s rest away from my kids*
The safest place to sit in the park is actually on the rollercoaster we bought piece by piece on eBay
Meow
I don’t want to stand, Apple Watch. You stand.
My daughter asked me what a colonoscopy was so I gave her an honest answer. She learned about colonoscopies and I learned I need to be less honest.
Venus Williams should marry Bruno Mars and become Venus Mars.
The elites don’t want you to know this but the ducks at the park are free you can take them home I have 458 ducks
Sorry I spilled fruit punch all over the white carpet at your baby shower, I was helping you practice.
*Poops in my pants*
Get used to it.
As I get older I realize my eyesight is not what it used to be.
I saw ‘whole eggs’ and read it as ‘whale eggs’ and for a minute I thought “whales lay eggs?”
With all the ways to contact me on social media these days the police still smash through my door unannounced again?
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 muscles to frown, then how can I tell if this girl is flirting with me and not just being lazy?
I’m not going to bail you out is what my wife says every time I’m going to do something fun.
Easiest way to make friends? Craigslist
Hardest way? Hmm probably putting your chin on a stranger’s shoulder from behind them at an Arby’s
Once someone broke into my car and didn’t steal anything – not my leather jacket or any of my CDs, and I have never felt more judged.
It’s okay, facial recognition. I don’t recognize myself anymore either.
So creative 😂
Desks that can easily support a few hundred lbs must have some naughty stories to tell the other desks at break time.
Me: “I keep looking for love in all the wrong places.”
*later at the abandoned mine*
Me: “Hello?! Would anybody like a date?!”
As a doctor I too can prescribe up to 100 milligrams of internet a day
I’m trying to get a rotisserie chicken home before it gets cold I don’t have time for suspicious lights in the sky
What’s the biggest problem you have with your name?
My biggest problem?
Me: “Hi, I’m Marcus. Nice to meet you.”
Business people: “Hi, Marcus. Do you go by Mark?”
Me: “No. If I did then don’t you think I’d introduce myself as that?”
*holds up gun*
GIVE ME ALL YOUR HONEY!Bank: You mean money?
*giggles*
Oh, bother…– Pooh robbing a bank
Doctor: The surgery was a success and your husband should wake up in a few hours.
My wife: I thought you said this surgery didn’t require for him to be unconscious?
Doctor: It didn’t but he started talking and-
My wife: I understand.
Did you know that if you squint at a cat and it squints back, it’s the cat’s way of saying “What the f are you looking at?!”
Me: You’re old and out of shape and way past your prime, but you are nice.
Mirror: Yes, you do seem nice.
I bet kangaroos get drunk and find some ridiculous shit in their pouches in the morning.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of relaxing during weeknights we can go to seven practices and relearn algebra.
If they cancel the Simpsons we will no longer be able to see into the future
Parallel parking reality show. Get on that.
I use my imagination to solve problems.
And by imagination, I mean booze.