I don’t mean to brag but HR told me no one had ever eaten everyone’s lunch before as a reason to fit their own food in the fridge.
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Life can only give you lemons if you answer the door.
Cobra & Mongoose. He’s a cobra… she’s a mongoose. They say opposites attract but can two unlikely partners find love? No. Oh jeeezus, don’t look.
[Standing still for a picture]
I guess you can say I’m *turns around for a second and the camera goes off* not good at posing for pictures.
Teleportation seems like an awesome idea until Creepy Stan from down the street is suddenly washing your back in the shower.
*hears recording of my voice*
Me: Haha! Do I really sound like that?
Judge: Please refrain from commenting on the state’s evidence.
I don’t have a summer home, but I do have several different email addresses.
Moms have an amazing superpower: we can speak at full volume without anyone hearing us.
Me: and for my last wish, I want to be hung like a horse.
Genie: As you command. *a massive, extra strong gallows and noose appears*
I think my 2 year old is behind the Netflix algorithm. He’s like “Because I liked being carefully tossed up in the air by my dad, I might also enjoy running headfirst into this doorframe”.
My wife didn’t tell me I was on speakerphone and now her coworker smelly Kelly knows we call her smelly Kelly.
Them: Tell us something about yourself.
Me:
*waits for you to fall asleep*
*rolls out from under your bed*
*moisturizes your knees and elbows*
The best way to prepare for Motherhood is to put Dora on TV for 9 months, set your alarm for every 45 minutes and throw food on your floors.
Turtle 911: Whats ur emergency?
Turtle: MY GIRLFRIEND JUST DISAPPEARED!
911: Have u tried looking in her house?
Turtle: oops never mind.
When I die and doctors perform an autopsy, they’ll probably find twenty pounds of stickers off of fruit in my intestines
It’s faster just accepting that a fish learned to walk and then everything got weirder.
[First day of medical school]
Teacher: Here is a diagram of all the vessels of the body…
Me: So in surgery, do we cut the red one or the blue one to diffuse the bomb?
I’m always here for you unless someone better looking needs me
Sorry but they’re not fajitas unless they come from the fajita region of the restaurant
My husband keeps watching a tv show while complaining about how boring it is, & now I understand how he’s stayed married to me for so long.
WITCH (using her broom for just sweeping): did we give up our dreams?
WIZARD (using his pointy hat as a piping bag for cupcake icing): yes
Wife: do we have any Kool-Aid?
Kool-Aid: *Burst through wall* OH YEAH!
Me: seriously Martha?
Batman: *crashes through window* WHY DID YOU SAY THAT NAME?
Sister: have you met any nice men lately?
Me: we are failing the Bechdel test.
Boxing is like a dance, a dance where you punch your dance partner until he doesn’t want to dance anymore.
When the sour cream you forgot about in the back of the fridge growls at you, that means it’s went bad, right?
8, peering closely at me: what’s that?
Me: my necklace
8: How do you know?
Nothing good can come from a gay man greeting you with an up and down look followed by an “Oh, honey”
Nothing like quiet, peaceful coffee on the patio
Till the neighbors start to mow
In my previous life I was a gorgeous philosopher named Mediocrates
Girl: Hi
Guy: Hey
Girl brain: What did he mean? Is he in love with me? I need to analyze this for hours with my gfs
Guy brain: I’d do her