The cats activated the rainbow portal again
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I was thinking about drinking less beer but I knew I couldn’t do it if I always have cold ones ready to go.
It was self a self fridge-filling prophecy
Nobody can turn an omelet into scrambled eggs quicker than me.
Below Deck sounds like a way of discreetly describing a condition to my doc
Yes, your cat is waiting for you in heaven. Hm? Yes, he will ignore you there too.
When I see a kid on a leash I assume they were a dog turned into a kid by a witch & the owners have yet to figure out how to turn them back.
[At Justice League headquarters]
Batman: Alright, everyone. Rent’s due. I have my share, obviously. Hows everyone else paying?
Superman: [signs over a paycheck from The Daily Planet]
The Flash: [runs to the ATM]
Aquaman: [dumps a pile of fish on the table]
Batman: WTF dude
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
Sometimes I wear my panties over my skinny jeans so I feel like a sexy superhero. And so strangers won’t talk to me at the grocery store.
You can let me hold your baby I won’t drop it. If you think I’m the kind of person who would drop a baby you’re flat wrong. And if you’re the sort of person who believes unsubstantiated rumors about me dropping babies, well I just feel sorry for you.
Me: Try this chocolate chip.
3 year-old: Okay!
[gives him coffee bean]
3: UGH, YUCK!
-Me, saving all future chocolate chips for myself while also spending all future money on his therapy.
Why was Darth Vader referred to as Lord Vader?
Because calling him Master Vader made all the Stormtroopers giggle.
other 21 year olds: going on dates, bein cool, having fun
me: trying to become friends w/ the birds outside my house by offering them bread
when you wanna say “sup” in Japanese you say “Konnichiwa”
when you wanna say “sup dawg” in Japanese you say “Konnichihuahua”
maybe ancient civilizations wouldn’t have died out if they’d built regular buildings instead of these dumb ruins
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
[Me as a gynecologist]
*Knocking on the exam room door*
WOMB SERVICE
Having grown up Catholic, anytime someone says “May The Force be with you” I always want to respond “And also with you”
When life gives you lemons maybe think to yourself, “that’s really quite remarkable given how far I live from a climate capable of growing citrus.”
The only real difference between my 20s and my 30s is that now I make all my bad decisions before midnight.
Wife: can you watch our daughter while I take a nap
Me: sure
Wife: don’t go outside it’s too cold
Me: I’m not an idiot
[10 minutes later]
i speak three languages: english, bad french and the body language of an emotionally compromised and haunted male detective
*softly brushes the hair away from your face
“I said it’s my turn to jump in the bounce house.”
Truth or dare should be renamed to “interrogation or humiliation”
All panties are edible if you’re dedicated enough.
LIFE HACK: If a person is drowning, you can save their life by putting them in a bag of rice
Receives a compliment
Me: no sorry we don’t do that here
My kids gave me a headache so I left them a scathing review on Glassdoor.
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog:
My neighbors had the nerve to say I give them creepy looks but I don’t understand how they can see my eyes behind my binoculars