When she says she prefers the strong, silent type she means her vibrator.
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bumping into a hot professor in the hallway and dropping my folder full of printed out pictures of the Green M&M
My sports-obsessed ex-wife didn’t ask me for a divorce. She told me she was trading me for a player to be named later.
To avoid small talk with neighbors I’ve taken to checking the mail in the middle of the night like some kinda raccoon with bills.
I was bitten by a mosquito, then saw it land and get stuck in sap… so I guess what I’m saying is, there are going to be some disheartened geneticists when they accidentally clone me instead of a dinosaur
im gonna have a productive weekend
*watches 3 seasons of a show*
*organizes shirts by softness*
*naps 5 times*
ugh i never have enough time
*Runs across campus to get to class on time*
Whew! I made it!
*Sits in the back and browses Twitter for an hour and a half*
My cat just knocked over my coffee mug and looked at me like it was my fault. How dare I put it on the edge of the table?
Just when I thought I had my life together. I found my missing shoe in the microwave.
That wasn’t a typo. I’m into creative spelling.
sure sex is great but have you ever waved goodbye to houseguests
Gmail is down. My wife is running around screaming. The toddler just cursed at Grandma. Grandma spat at the toddler. The dog is dancing to Slipknot. The freezer is burning. The floor is lava
[first day as a doorman]
me: bye, thanks for coming
sperm bank manager: *pulling me aside* this was literally the first thing we talked about
Cleaning out my fireplace before the chimney sweep comes feels like I’m flossing on the way to the dentist.
Amazing how each of the kids in Willy Wonka was written to represent a different deadly sin: pride, gluttony, sloth, chewing gum until you become a blueberry, greed, etc.
People are like plastic bags: Some are meant to fly, some have holes — but are still useful — and, well, others are full of dog shit.
Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Impossible.
Me: What? Why?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full.
This no more tears shampoo sucks. I’ve been feeding it to my friends kid and he’s still crying.
Must be doing something wrong.
*getting kidnapped in the grocery store parking lot*
PLEASE JUST LET ME PUT MY CART BACK FIRST
Me when the batteries in my tv remote die: I must replace you instantly
Me when the batteries in my smoke alarm die: how do I disable this useless piece of shit
Maybe OCD could pick up a mop once in a while
I only like to read about non violent historical events. I’m a pastifist.
My wife told me the one thing she really wants for Christmas and I have to say I hope she gets it because I’d really like to meet Jason Momoa.
me at 15: i can’t wait to go to college and PARTY!!
me at 20: ok so listen. there’s a new grocery store and GET THIS. i got a mango for 56 cents
In a house with 1,000 bathrooms your kid will only be willing to use the one you’re in, there is nothing you can do to prevent this
I don’t mean to brag but I’ve perfected the confused look whenever my credit cards get declined
The worst thing about switching from Android to an iPhone is the almond milk.
Priests should not have to live in a state of forced celibacy, but be free to marry and let celibacy slowly descend upon them the usual way.
If you bump into someone at the grocery store and say goodbye, there’s a 99 percent chance you’ll see them in every single aisle after that.
Last night my mother-in-law read me all her political retweets.
How was your night?