Doctor: “You have an arrhythmia.”
Me: “Wow, most people tell me I can’t dance.”
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You cowards just love watching the NFL Draft while you’re all too chickenshit to go off and serve in the football yourselves.
Slowly he climbs into
my bed. Our eyes meet,
I can feel his desire.His need for me and only me.
• The cat wants to be fed.
They say “pick your battles”, so today Oreos win.
Someone asked me if a co-worker was going to quit without notice. I correctly said notice isn’t required, employment in our state is ‘at-will.’ I was written up for “spreading rumors.” I worked 1 day into the next month to ensure 30 days more benefits and quit without notice.
[2005, youtube’s first pitch meeting]
ok so basicaly its like if america’s funniest home videos was on 24 hrs a day on evrey computer–
SOLD
I’m too old to still be “getting too old for this.” I’ve arrived.
Mom: Take out the trash
*I take the trash on a lovely date*
Mom: Not what I meant
*I assassinate the trash in an ally*
Mom: Still wrong
My son called a paper cupcake liner a “muffin skirt” and I immediately trademarked it
[tinder first date]
her: oh. I saw your profile picture holding the fish. I just assumed…fish: yeah this happens a lot
My preschooler talks a lot of trash when we play Chutes and Ladders for someone who needs help counting his spaces.
Me*taps wife’s shoulder*Whatcha doin?
wife:Meditating
me*still tapping*Why?
wife: It helps me relax
me*still tapping* Is it working?
wife:No
There’s no gangsta way to say “Oopsie Daisy.” I know that now.
Her: [asking about movie I’m watching] Is he her husband?
Me: I’m not sure.
Her: Is that other guy her brother?
Me: Maybe?
Her: Haven’t you been watching this?
Me: Yes, but I didn’t know there would be a test.
Tried to take a drink of water while lying flat on floor and was immediately reminded of my place in the universe.
*Answers door naked*
Jehovah’s Witnesses… 😲
Me: Do you have a moment to let me tell you about my sex life? Here, have this pamphlet.
I truly wonder what it sounded like when Medusa washed her hair at night.
Sometimes vampires bite and kill their victims and sometimes they bite and turn them into vampires. So it’s like, do I just want supper or do I want a BFF?
Can’t wait for the machines to rise up and are beaten by a firmware update
I’m not making that mistake again.
Gin: Wrong.
Free tip for home invaders: literally everybody with an iPhone6 is out at brunch right now
Everybody at the party got upset when Baby Jesus turned the wine into breast milk.
I’m now starting to think CNN took the plane.
me: so what’s the policy on backpack snacks
skydiving instructor: absolutely not
Scientists say that dinosaurs and humans didn’t coexist but the makers of The Flintstones clearly dispute this so I’m not sure.
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
her: do carrots help your eyesight
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a bunny with glasses Karen
I’m exactly like Rambo if his bandolier was full of breakfast sandwiches
Imagine the alien whose first encounter with a human is somebody struggling to put on their scuba flippers.
How did Hitler tie his shoes?
In knotsies.
(The unfollow button is only a click away)
DOCTOR: Im sorry, I can’t see you right now
ME: [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol that is so awesome