How to make your house look like a trash can in one easy step:
1. Hand 3yo a muffin on your way to the bathroom.
I know this now.
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Sitting in my car eating McD’s, and I hear a quiet voice behind me go:
“Here, we have The Fat Woman in her natural habitat..”
if I were Juliet, I would NOT be pleased to find a man standing under my balcony at midnight. sir I am in my jim-jams
At my age, mercury is in hearing aid.
We all expected the zombie apocalypse. No one would’ve/could’ve imagined the covid 19 and TP wars of 2020.
purposely bought tall lace up boots so I’ll never have to be anywhere on time again
Me during the day: “I’ve learned not to worry about things I can’t control.”
Me at 3:42am: “What are the chances of surviving a medium-sized asteroid impact?”
Someone told me they dont get tattoos cuz “you dont put bumper stickers on a Ferrari” which was weird bc he was a 92 Chevy caprice at best
[gets on Facebook]
[types “you pushed me away but expected me to stay”]
[everyone nods, this is considered extremely good shit on there]
6yo: chicken is good for you. but not so good for the chicken
😳
No one has a dog’s back like another dog. If a dog hears barking it will trust the other dog and join it bark first ask questions later….
16- *bragging about his mustache*
12- Mom’s mustache is way better than yours
Me-
As a kid, I thought Simba was crazy to run after Mufasa was killed.
But, after watching so many true crime docs, I get it. It does look like he lured his dad to that gorge. Witnesses heard him sing “I just can’t wait to be king.”
A good prosecutor could get a conviction with that
If your girl takes care of animals at the zoo treat her right cause she’s a keeper.
Me: *looks away for 5 seconds*
Toddler: *crashes the stock market*
That plant looks good. Let’s eat the bit that stays in the dirt
– first person to cook a potato
I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.
[ creating bats ]
god: well we already made birds
angel:
god:
angel: what if they were goth
god: omg what IF they were goth tho
sir, my pâté if you please
U know your mind is gone when u get out of bath and realize u only shaved one leg
Unless u only have one leg… Then you’re good
S O O N
OMG, you guys, there’s a button on this stove that says “Stop Time”. Should I press it??
An important phone call is something that occurs when there’s no better excuse to ignore someone.
A survival horror where Mr. & Mrs. Potato Head blunder into a Five Guys
I’m Asian. We literally have no wrinkles until we wake up one day with the jowls of a Saint Bernard.
* see weird traffic pattern
* turns down radio
* smoothly avoids gargantuan pothole
* runs over sign saying avoid gargantuan pothole
*first day as a dog catcher
“I don’t see why we can’t use a ball.”
I fed my dogs spaghetti so they could kiss, but instead they’re growling over a cold meatball and not sitting still for my painting.
Here in the South, we don’t consider a cookout successful unless there’s an ambulance involved.
Dating profiles should make you share a sound bite of you sneezing.
[Boss’ office]
“You’re late AGAIN.”
Drove back for my phone.
“Why do need it at work?”
It’s all I do.
“WHAT?”
I said, IT’S NICE TO SEE YOU.