Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve never applied makeup while driving, but I have eaten an entire rotisserie chicken.

On bad days I like to take a pregnancy test to remind myself that things could be much worse.

James Bond: Do you expect me to talk?

Therapist: That is how these things usually work.

the noise i just made

going to red lobster does anyone need any red lobsters

Women can detect even the smallest of lies, but on TV they tell them they can lose 20 pounds in 5 days and they believe it all.

coworker: did you hear someone used all the charity money to buy snacks from the vending machine

me: *laughing nervously* that’s awful

[house hunting]

Loved that one. Great price & the owner seemed trustworthy

HER: It was next to a sewage plant & he had three eyepatches on

Exposing kids to violent video games is appalling. They should be in church praying to a bloody statue of a man nailed to a cross in agony.

“Sorry, are you…?”
“Oh… no! No, I’m not, sorry…”
“Ah! That’s ok, haha, thanks, sorry”
“Sorry”

Transcript of a Brit asking another Brit if they’re in the queue

I’m sorry I said yes when you asked if I’m a people person, I thought you said pizza.

“And what do you do?”
“I play in a band”
“What’s the band called? Have I heard of it?”
“It’s called blink-182.”
“OH!! LIKE IN THAT CHAINSMOKERS SONG!”

Landlordle – where the goal is to get your plumbing fixed, but you only get six chances to summon a super.

P L E E Z

T O D A Y

N E E D U

S U I N G ✅

This is the cutest stalk I’ve ever seen. The ear scratching is just the best 😂

Stop flattering yourself.
I’m not subtweeting you.
Ok, i am right now, but i wasn’t before.

The Burger King is good at heart, but his advisors deceive him.

Me: ‘What’s on your menu?’
Restaurant Website: ‘Hahaha! Wouldn’t YOU like to know!’
Me: ‘Yes?’
RW: ‘Our chef trained in London.’
Me: ‘Cool, but what do you actually-’
RW: ‘Local ingredients are so important to us.’
Me: ‘Please, I just-’
RW: ‘RELAX IN OUR LAID-BACK ATMOSPHERE.’

When I see someone texting and driving I swerve my car into them and try to run them off the road cause texting and driving is illegal.

It’s National Canoe Day in Canada and I can’t think of a single pun. Canoe?

What do you mean you no longer like one of the five foods you actually eat: a parenting memoir

Having sex is like riding a bike. Specifically, like that scene in Pee-wee’s Big Adventure where everyone in the world has a bike except you

I couldn’t sleep because the neighbor’s dog was barking so I went next door and told her, she says I have cheesecake and I could no longer hear the dog barking.

British people react to the @BBC posting baseball content on twitter… 😭

On the 5th day, god was hungover & didn’t feel up to much so he created worms, shoelaces & spaghetti, then punched out just after 1pm.

Survey: How would you rate the cleaning products you recently purchased from us?

Me: I had to clean.
0 out of 5 stars.

how to talk to a woman wearing headphones:
1. be the artist she has currently chosen to listen to through her headphones

Sorry I had sex with your hot gardener, but in my defense, you did say that I needed Jesus in me.

“Hey, you guys dare me to eat this whole party sub by myself?”
I ask the dolls that line my bedroom shelves

A warning to all – be careful about drink driving as the police are out checking on people. Last night I was out for a few drinks and one thing led to another and I had a few too many, not a good idea & knowing I was over the limit, I decided to leave the car at the pub and took a bus home, I passed the police check point, where they were pulling over drivers and performing breath tests, because I was on a bus they just waved it past. I arrived home safely and no accidents, which was a real surprise because I have never driven a bus before…

Me: I was watching Sixth Sense when my house got burgled

Cop: Ok tell me everything that happened

[10 mins later]
Cop: holy shit he was dead the whole time?!