Cop: Do you think you can identify the deceased?
Me *nodding* I bet it’s the dude over there with no head
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Me: “This is not my first rodeo.”
Dude: “Ma’am, this is a petting zoo. Please stop trying to ride the goats.”
repaired
Today I brought my trash out wearing roller skates and a tiara simply because I like keep my neighbors guessing.
I’m still rubbish at Venn diagrams. I really don’t get them. :/
Me: Pikachu, I choose you!
Pikachu: The restraining order says 500 feet
Watermelon: because I like to chew flavored water.
My kids just introduced themselves as “Let’s Go” and “We’re Late”
he literally just said, “everyone’s saying i won the debate.”
is it possible…hear me out…trump has an imaginary friend named Everyone?
AI could never write that episode of Bones where the serial killer imprinted malware onto the victim’s bones, so when they got scanned in the lab the computers got a virus and set themselves on fire
It would be cool if a jar of Nutella had more than one serving in it…
I’m the most spontaneous person in the world when it comes to making a decision to stay at home.
me: just tell me I don’t die in an Arby’s bathroom stall
Death: [sadly looking up from his book] look, what matters is how you lived
Interviewer: u worked in sales before?
Me: yeah
Interviewer: what’s your background?
Me [gets phone out]: picture of my dog eating spaghetti
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy watching him clean his golf clubs with the wire brush I use for my suede boots.
Throwing away any pizza crust is bad enough, but my son’s friend threw away a stuffed crust and he is no longer welcome in this house.
– Lads, I’ve driven all the snakes out of Ireland.
– Did we have snakes?
– Oh yes, thousands of em.
– I’ve never seen any sn…
– THOUSANDS!
My teen was complaining he had no clean clothes so I asked him what he thought he should do: “Uh, go buy new clothes?”
Have kids. It’s fun.
You’re a dog person? *Throws a stick* Well? Aren’t you going to run after it or are you cool with being a normal human that’s also a liar?
Starting to miss the kids after 5 days at grandma’s, so I wistfully dumped a bin of toys on the floor and sprinkled crumbs on the couch.
started wrapping my pills in cheese
Dumbo sounds like a good idea until you think about how much poop a flying elephant would drop
Me: “Yes, finally! I got a nice, staple paying job!”
Friend: “Don’t you mean stable?”
Me: “Definitely not! I don’t even know if I have enough staples to afford a horse, let alone shelter it.”
Coworker: don’t you hate it when you get so busy you forget to eat?
Me: imma stop you right there
*Me as Dr. There was a complication so I replaced ur eye w/a mini magic 8 ball.
Patient: Seriously?
*shake his head. All signs point to yes
Sorry I was late. The only open lane was the chatty cashier and I had to just put everything back
I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you have a flock of sheep that’s having trouble with foxes/dogs get an alpaca. The alpaca will happy join the flock as a ‘long sheep’ and will kick the shit out of anyone who messes with its gang.
Source: grew up on a farm.
[Flirting in a bar]
ME: Did it hurt…
HER: …
ME: …when you fell down from that balcony?
PARAMEDIC: Sir, I won’t ask again
“I’m so sorry about your grandma passing away. If there’s anything I can do, just name it.”
“How are your resurrecting skills?”
You can take your favorite hat on vacation or you can take a junk hat in case you lose it. I have forgotten both.