Well, that’s disappointing. I called every crematorium in the state, and they all only do dead people.
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Me to 2yo: Hey bud, what are you having for breakfast? Sausage? Eggs? Hash browns? Oh… 8 forkfulls of ketchup? Good job!
This reads like the bunny is the First Lady and I can’t stop laughing.
Dua Lipa is a fantastic singer AND Mario’s advice to Luigi when he wants to get on a slightly higher platform
My neighbor’s 2yo is on my front lawn shouting NO NO NO NO. Not sure what she’s protesting but I’m gonna go join her.
I would guard your potatoes so hard.
1st girl @ the moon:
– Houston, we have a problem
– What happened?
– Nothing, doesn’t matter
– Come on
– Nothing..
– Tell me
– U should know
Pirates that used X to mark the spot were stupid. If they had used a G, nobody would ever have found their treasure.
With every passing day the gap between being a negligent cook and being an arsonist gets a little smaller. Soon I should be able to take out a whole block with a strategic “trying this new egg recipe.”
ISAAC NEWTON: i have just discovered gravity
EVERYONE ELSE: hey how come i can’t float around anymore
Mom, can you come pick me up? I’m at a party and someone is coughing.
I was the most patient parent and then I had kids.
Him: Tire me out baby.
Me: *feeds him pasta*
I get shy when my man stares at me for too long because what if he’s realizing I’m actually a lil ug-ly 😭😂
Autocorrect changed ‘strip’ to ‘syrup’, and honestly, I don’t know which club I prefer.
My wife and kids are away so it’s just me in the house and I was just awoken at 1:45 a.m. by the Alexa in the other room saying, “Sorry, I didn’t catch that.”
*Tries to hit the gym*
*Gym hits back*
Hadn’t tried on a pair of jeans since April. They weren’t distressed before but five minutes of wearing them and they were firing flares off into the sky.
Writer joke:
Wife: “You need to do more chores around the house”.
Husband: “Can we change the subject?”
Wife: “Ok, more chores around the house need to be done by you.”
my sister is about to have a baby and my brother showed up to the hospital in a suit because “first impressions matter”
Meet your new stalker! The good news is I’m middle aged and very lazy. You’ll hardly notice I’m here.
Confession: I’ve said “Can’t wait!” about things I actually could wait for.
“My eyes are up here,” I said as I clutched my burrito tighter.
This isn’t a bathroom. Go outside if you have to do that. GET THAT OUT OF YOUR MOUTH. Help me help you.
-talking to drunks & puppies
If you’re searching for a woman who’s sweet and funny and has her life together then look no further because that one at the table behind me seems like she does.
doctor: describe your morning routine
me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance
doctor: m-o-r-n-i-n-g
me: I know how to spell it
My former boss’s wife posted a photo of their youngest child on Facebook and I commented, “you’re right, he does look just like me!”
And now we wait…
thought I saw two girls fighting, turned out to be one drunk girl trying to take off a hoodie
SNAKE: im gonna bite you
SNAKE CHARMER: u are so sexy
S: wha-
SC: *presses finger to lips* still wana bite me?
S: *blushes* well not anymore
Rap: MONEY GUNS & SEX
Rock: DRUGS & SEX
Country: BEER GOD & SEX
Pop: PARTIES GIRLS & ALCOHOL
Dubstep: BWA BWA BABWAA
Sean Paul: SEAN PAUL!
My competitive neighbors are flexing on me by mowing their yard first and making mine look like shit.