*gets arrested
*mug shot posted
*waits for modeling contract
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Guy at the urinal next to me was pee moaning so loud, I thought he was going to breakout into an Adele song.
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum.
The more things change, the more they stay the same.
Guys who try to pick up women on Twitter are a bit sad…
Ladies, if you agree, DM me your number so we can talk about it…
I bet “jerk chicken” is that chicken that cuts others off when the other chickens are trying to cross the road.
I gave up trying to get this sport bra off. It’s a hat now
I once saw a man walk barefoot across hot coals, and I thought, wow, he could’ve just walked around those. Idiot.
“Don’t put your brother in the fridge” is something I never thought I’d say, yet here I am.
FIREMAN: this blaze is out of control
ME: sometimes you gotta fight fire with fire
F: what? No
M: *already brandishing a flamethrower*
Government: You can flee Athens as an exile, or you can die.
Socrates: Oh ok I’ll just die
Government: You can just like… go move somewhere else.
Socrates: Yeah, but packing :-/
My 3 year-old asked me why our dog sleeps all day. I explained it’s because our dog is old.
3 then replied in a low voice, “We should get a new dog.”
So my question is this; can I join witness protection now before he figures out MY age?
I’m Phoenician, as in, “Nobody better stop me from Phoenician all of these donuts.”
This is the angriest post I’ve seen on Twitter in a long time.
[pushing my son in his stroller]
Stranger: awww aren’t you adorable! how old are you?
Me: 35
Stranger: I was talking to him
Me: He doesn’t know how old I am.
“Hello darkness my old friend.”
Darkness: I’m not lending you any money.
It’s always fun when a man catches feels, gets scared, and projects his fear of commitment onto you:
Him: I’m not into love or dating. I like to be free. This was a one time thing, understand?
Me: Cool, can I have my pizza now, or would that be crossing a line
My son was brushing the crumbs off the front of his pants into the trash can at a restaurant and the waitress, thinking he was peeing, told him he needed to go do that in the bathroom.
Look lady, my kid only pees outside, not in the trash like the good lord intended.
me: oh, I have a great ide…
wife: no
Saw another story about a missing hiker.
I never went missing sitting at home.
Even death won’t stop my mom from criticizing me
That’s not a halo. It’s the light at the end of the tunnel glowing behind me as I walk in the wrong direction.
[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] so here’s why I’m glad this guy is dead
Today, whilst out shopping, I tried on a beautiful jacket. It was the jacket of a customer trying on another jacket and now I can never go shopping again.
*arranges romantic candlelit table with two chairs*
*sits in one chair, puts feet up in other*
*sips wine*
another day another dollar?
where’d you find a dollar?
My Dr. told me about a new med he wanted me to try and offered that there are some sexual side effects to which I replied “yeah I don’t do that!” instead of nodding quietly like a normal human.
My youngest is like a dog
She can spot a bad personality from a mile away and she also may bite you
ALBUS: Got Dementors to protect Hogwarts this year. They suck souls out! Indiscriminately!
KIDS: …
STAFF: …
ALBUS: I can’t control them.
8: If I promise to be super super good all the way until I’m 10, can I get a phone for my 10th birthday?
Me: Ok. Can you put your lunch box away?
8: Nah, I’m kinda busy.
Me: I thought you were going to be super super good?
8: Yeah, I’m starting that when I’m 9.
Guy in the dressing room next to mine: “I don’t want to get blood on these pants.” I want to reply, “Then stay out of my way on the catwalk”