I really showed that Rubik’s Cube who’s unemployed.
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[School Bus Driver Interview]
INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest weakness?
GREEN LANTERN: {Don’t say the color yellow} Um…children
The downside of DVR is getting freaked out by tornado warnings from four days ago
When comedians die, why does everyone tell them to “make God laugh”? You wouldn’t order a dead carpenter to “make God some bookshelves.”
When people put pics of their vacation on FB I write: I saw fire trucks outside your house but I’m sure you already know, have a great time!
If the United States ever collapses, the upside is that we can finally use the blue starry part of American flags to make wizard hats.
Repair guy: your AC unit is 26 years old which makes it hard to stay cool
Me: well I’m 42 and I’m still cool
Repair guy:
Me: *winks*
When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.
Wanna make a boyfriend? Choose someone who’s still playing Wordle. He’ll never leave you.
is the plural of judas judasses or judi
Be yourself; everyone else is already Batman.
They said good sex was all about chemistry, so I wore a lab coat & slept with a beaker.
[dinner party]
GF: [to rich guy] So what do you do?
RICH GUY: I race horses for a living
ME: Do you ever beat them?
I cleaned out all my closets and now it looks like a flea market threw up in my dining room.
“I think this cereal has gone bad.” *me drunk, eating Meow Mix*
COP: Give back the money you stole
ME: Already spent it
COP: On what?
ME: Karate lessons which [does vague swishes w/ hand] I did not attend
why is there Head & Shoulders shampoo. who has hair on their shoulders. whos shampooing their shoulder hair. please come forward
The moon landing was faked. They actually went to Mars, and I can prove it.
thank you for bringing your bluetooth speaker to the beach, i was concerned the ocean would be too soothing
a fool and his money are hey new iphone
wife: you’re drunk
me: I’m not the one who’s all blurry Carol
I can see the appeal of being a nudest everytime I do laundry
6y/o: Mommy, do you know what a Ouija board is?
Me: Yes.
6y/o: Let’s get one so we can talk to you later.
When my wife wanted to have a second child – her exact words were “it’s just rinse and repeat”.
To this day that’s still the funniest joke she’s ever told.
genie: you have three wishes
me: i want 1000 ants to protect me
genie: you got it
me: psychic ants
genie: uh ok
me: make them as big as a blue whale
genie: dude what’s wrong with you
ravioli cooking instructions are always like “bring 7 gallons of water to a boil. cook one ravioli at a time. use new water between raviolis. they don’t like thrifted baths.”
lmao at snakes that think they are “hiding” in a patch of grass. i see u, sweetie. i am only pretending 2 be surprised
THERAPIST: you’re always trying to make other people happy. You should focus on doing that for yourself too.
ME:
THERAPIST: ok?
Me: would that make you happy?
jesus take the wheel, my smartwatch is telling me it’s time to stand up
Somebody’s lying.