Sorry, I called you by accident. I was actually just trying to delete your number from my phone.
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If history has taught us anything, I’d be surprised.
Why couldn’t I have been born rich instead of so ridiculously witty?
[dinner party, setting out the main]
Friend: Wow! Is this edible gold? You鈥檙e really stepping up your game!
Me, thinking about my kid鈥檚 art taped to the kitchen cupboard shedding glitter like a damn Head & Shoulders commercial: Isn鈥檛 it fancy?!
At Twitter HQ
J: Users haven’t complained in a while, what’s going on?
Devs: Oh, we’ve got just the thing
*releases update
*seductively corrects your posture*
shopping channels are insane. they be like “today we have this delightful egg peeler that can also be used as a non slip shower mat”
[creation of insects]
LIGHTNING BUG: I will illuminate the night
BEE: I will pollinate flowers
FLY: I will eat shit and die
I wonder if delilah is still ghosting that guy
“Would you like to import all of your phonebook contacts to your Twitter account…?”
hahahaha yeah, that’ll go well
Done with dating sites. I’m now focusing on pizza delivery guys because at least I know they have a job, a car, and pizza.
my last girlfriend broke up wth me after she went through my phone and i refused to tell her why i searched for goth grandpas
Me: did you know cows have best friends?
Wife: really?
Me: yep!
Wife: how do you know that?
[Myrtle peeking around the corner into the living room].
Me: I鈥檓 glad you asked : )
You see a Honda, a Toyota, a Chevy, and another Honda. I see four people who aren’t getting that parking space. Hang on.
FYI: I guess the goal of bobbing for apples is not who can drink all the water.
I have discovered that theirs no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess there’s no point in bothering with hash browns then.
If you’ve been waiting me to drop a lent tweet, I tried coming up with one and gave up.
I鈥檓 always confused at fancy restaurants. Which spoon do you throw at the screaming toddler?
Reminder that today is Make Your Kid Lunch for School so They Can Forget it at Home Day.
This is me 馃ぃ馃ぃ
Engineer: we鈥檝e done it. We鈥檝e created the most advanced robot known to man, even capable of feeling emotion
Boss: can he read slightly jumbled letters when trying to sign up to a website?
Engineer: obviously not
[First date]
Him: Can you pass the-
SOMETIMES WHEN I SLEEP ON MY STOMACH MY CAT LIES ON MY BACK LIKE A TINY SURFER
I want my remains to be scattered all over the beach when I die.
Also, I don’t want to be cremated.
[parade]
Dad: son, when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten, and the damned? Will you defeat them your demons and all the non-believers?
Me, 6 years old: do I have to answer now or
My kids just deliberated over which pumpkins to pick at the patch for longer than I deliberated whether to get pregnant with them.
PIGEON MAGICIAN: I want you to pick a car, any car…DONT TELL ME!.
Ok [shits on windscreen] is THIS the car you chose?
[i get back from the supermarket]
wife: did you forget about dre
me: nope
wife: did you remember the alamo
me: yep
wife: did you get the eggs
me: goddammit
I’m not poor. I’m big-loaned.
(at the doctor)
Can u cough for me?
*coughs*
Can u exhale for me?
*exhales*
Can u make kissy noises?
*kissy noises*
Can you beatbox at my wedding? the dj backed out.
Me, after a minor inconvenience: