Tall people are my favourite because I can grab them by the torso and shake them like a tree
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So few educational toys today! As a kid, my Tonka dump truck taught me not to pinch the shit out of my finger between two metal parts.
Men are from Mars, women are from a planet that probably smells nicer than Mars.
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
[airport]
For $800 more you can upgrade to Arctic Class
What’s that?
Same as coach but the flight staff is penguins
[slaps table] SOLD
I make so many mistakes typing that my autocorrect is like, “Duck this shirt.”
One time I did mushrooms and played GTA and felt regret for the lives I was taking I was all “Holy shit these people have families”
No one talks to you on the bus when you’re shaking a box of Milk Duds that your head phones are plugged into.
ME: *takes wife’s hand* you know I’ve wanted to have children for 3 years
WIFE: And I’ve told you *removes hand and sits back* we have to keep them forever
When you’re married, it’s important for you both to work on keeping the magic alive and chained up in the basement where it can’t escape.
Find a penny
Pick it up
& all the day
You’ll have significantly raised chances of contracting a bacterial infection …
[after first date]
Him: I had a great time, I’d love to see you again
Her: Yes, we should do this again sometime but with other people
My best friend just ask me to be her maid of honor. What did I ever do to her???
Crush: what u up to
Me: about to take a shower and listen to music
Crush: nice, what kind
Me: *nervously* one with water
Twerking is the crocs of dancing.
doctor: you want a note to get out of work?
me: please
doctor: [writing] you’re… fired…
I think parents should choose unisex names for their babies like Parsnip or Brisket.
[walks in meeting late]
“Sorry I was busy with important-”
SIRI (from pocket): OK here’s what I found on the web for are hot dogs sandwiches
I can see the appeal of golf, the only sport where the winner is the one who does the least.
Just know that somebody out there is thinking of you, and you should really lock your doors.
God: you’re a dog.
Dog: nice!
God: the humans are gonna love you.
Dog: why?
God: well you have a lot in common.
Dog: really? do they have updog too?
God: what’s updog?
Dog: nothing what’s up with you lol.
God: yep you’re just like them.
Dog: [tail wag].
The bad news is there was a lot of turbulence on my flight this morning. The good news is my phone counted it as steps.
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
Everyone in Canada is really pretty which means I should probably move there
Parenting is having your kids reject everything you cook, and then watching the 2yo eat a dog treat and ask for another.
[First date stroll in the park]
Me: So you work at the planetarium?
Date: Yeah.
Me: Thats so cool *points to the sky* What’s that constellation called?
Date: The sun.
#MayweathervMcgregor.
Right now, Danny Ocean is robbing the Bellagio.
Pronouncing “driest” like priest
A thousand curses upon anyone who has ever gone, “Why are you sitting in the dark?” and then flipped the light on without asking.
“Alcohol is just water with feelings in it,” said the girl who failed chemistry.
I enjoy romantic scrolls up and down your timeline.