Me trying to walk in a dream
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Kids are easy to care for until they learn to roll over. After that you’re never
sure what they’re up to for the rest of their lives.
Kids are hard to predict; and living in 2021 with two young kids who sing along to “Who Let the Dogs Out” was not what I expected.
Nothing freaks me out like that girl w/the purple bra yelling “Hey those are MY panties!” Finders keepers lady.
I took the kids to an orchard in the country today, where we crossed paths with a friendly and very handsome man who was fixing the wiring in one of the gazebos. Now I’m worried we stumbled into a Hallmark movie by mistake.
I tried so hard and got so far
But in the end, I’d like to add you to my professional networkLinkedIn Park
Explaining to the plumber that it’s a ziplock bag of my birthday cake I forgot I hid in the toilet tank, and also please don’t tell the kids about this spot.
Laughing far too much 🤣🤣🤣
My mom has more confidence in discovering the truth about the JFK assassination than me finding another husband
“It’s not what it looks like,” I say to the bunny noticing my slippers.
I ruined so many good songs for myself by making them my alarm clock sound
How it started How it’s going
[on date]
Him: Honesty is very important. Be upfront about things. We have to trust each other. It’s how love works.
Me: I’m Batman.
my neighbour ryan: I was at a zombie walk we all dressup and walk around downtown
me holding an axe: I wanna believe you ryan I really do
I think those 5G masts are emitting invisible waves that make people more susceptible to conspiracy theories.
Him: If it hadn’t been for cotton-eyed Joe
I’d been married long time ago
Where did you come from, Where did you go?
Where did you come from, cotton-eyed Joe?Her: Okay. I’ll just put “single” on this Census form.
I’ve been using a lot of moisturizer. I’m at aloe point in my life.
confuse your coworkers today by telling them you’re going to the restroom to do a “number 3”
Roses are red
Violets are lovely
The fastest way to anyone’s heart
Is a left lateral thoracotomy#medicalvalentine
waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *adjusting his bowtie* truffles
It should’ve been a red flag when my ex told me that he got his futon mattress/bed out of a dumpster, but then I married him for 20 years.
“I have so much to do” she says, staring at a tree for five years
Signatures are so unserious, just “pinky promise” for adults… write your name in a silly little way on this very important piece of paper so we that we can send you to jail if you do anything wrong
the first rule of OCD club is that there must be a second rule so we have an even number of rules
“Stop stealing your sister’s imaginary hot chocolate” is not a sentence I ever expected to say, let alone saying it multiple times at increasing volume
Why isn’t there ghost dinosaurs? They didn’t all finish their business. They didn’t know the comet was coming.
Me: But the sign says ‘no shirt, no shoes, no service’
Clerk: Pants are implied
In 7000 years, some archeologist is going to be confused as shit after he unearths a stationary bicycle.
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
you visit my house and within moments i offer you strawberry shortcake. you decline but i put an entire cake on the table and begin cutting it. you are confused. it takes me 45 minutes to eat the entire thing alone and we do not speak
Dane Cook: I’m dating a 23 year old
Leonardo DiCaprio: hold my beer
Leonardo DiCaprio’s girlfriend: I can’t