my superhero friends never let me be the head of our giant robot because I refuse to stop kissing airplanes
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guy: hey that’s a great truck. what kinda engine?
me: [rubbing the hood] it’s got a truck engine
4-year-old: How many push-ups can you do?
Me: A million.
4: Then why did your arms shake on the first one?
Me: Must’ve been an earthquake
I don’t understand people with bare desks. My desk looks like a barfight started next door, crashed through my office, and kept on moving.
Hubs: Why are you spending so much time on Twitter lately?
Me: I need to find my people
Him: You have a family, we are your people
Me: *this is awkward* But I’m looking for people I actually like
“You never forget how to ride a bike” sounds like a dare to me.
How to unravel a sweater…
A thread 🧵
My son got hungry so I gave him a snack. His teacher is gonna say how he can’t eat and before I knew it, I yelled from the kitchen “Girl, he is at home honey!” & then there was silence…….
“Don’t stop, don’t stop! Oh god, PLEASE DON’T STOP.” – me to the server grating cheese over my pasta plate
Don’t take financial advice from me. I used to stand in line to buy Beannie Babies
Unless you refer to it as either a shindig or a hootenanny, I will not be attending your party.
Her: What do you do for fun?
Me: I write jokes about water vapor
Her: What’s that like?
M: It’s a gas
Sorry I didn’t want to hold YOUR baby because I was holding MY baby
*Sips Margarita
As a fan of Dirty Dancing I can only hope that when we go on holiday one of my daughters sleeps with a middle aged dance instructor.
This looks like a job for..
*I rip open my jacket*
Jacket Repair Man!
*I sew my jacket back together*
Okie dokie folks *pokes around the ol’ computer* I think I’m in the “dark web.” Do I use tabs or open stuff in a new win- HOLY SMOKES THAT’S NOT HOW YOU USE A PAN FLUTE
Police: can you describe the woman who stabbed you
Male author: Lithe, spirited, and outgoing. She was a raw sexual force and she knew it. She was a dandelion fluff on a summer day, gone in an instant, leaving you with nothing but the memory of her smell
Police:
[God is taking a nap]
Prankster Angel: Um yea hi, Abraham? This is God. *trying super hard not to laugh* You need to kill your son.
– You got so drunk last night, you were dancing on the table in your underwear!!
– Me? In my underwear? You must have left early.
Guys, don’t panic if you find a sticky note from your wife in the morning with only the word “garbage” on it. It’s probably just trash day.
Every DJ knows the best response to a request is “yeah sure” then not play the song.
married sext…
him: I’ll be home soon
her: don’t you threaten me
*holding cardboard sign by intersection*
NOT POOR JUST ON MY WAY TO BREAK DANCING SCHOOL
Coworker: Do u have a phone charger?
Me: No.
CW: How about the 1 on your desk?
Me: WHO ARE U CALLING A JIGGABOO LINDA?!
CW: OMG! *runs away*
Spiders have the whole world to explore but still try to come up in my house
Just saw someone refer to a cat as a spicy dog…this is the only way now.
If I were a weatherman, I’d hate it when newsreaders did a story about a flood or a heatwave. I’d come on and do a forecast about crime or the economy just to give them a taste of their own medicine.
NURSE: ur concerned about ur patient huh? Youve been pacing in circles for 10 mins
DR DOG: haha no im just trying to find a spot to lie down
i always wear this epi pen its rly special. my friend gave it to me literally as he was dying it seemed very important to him that i have it
Your Honor, my client would like you to stop being so mean, even though we both know she deserves it.